WHY??!!

I’ve been trying to keep myself preoccupied. But nothing can distract me from the pain. I’ve cried and cried and cried and cried hoping that it will somehow make me feel better but it hasn’t been working so far. I feel so empty. I know “it’s just a cool off”. But I dunno. I feel incomplete. Strange, I know. He texted me this morning. He didn’t seem well, either. Or at least that’s how his attitude struck me. Tell me, why are we pushing through with this if it’s making the both us miserable? It just doesn’t make sense to me. How can I make him see that we don’t need to cool off to make this work? I know he’s concerned about me. About how unhappy I am with the way things have been going between us. But my happiness outweighs the unpleasantness. It does. Bloody hell, it really does. But this is a relationship between two people. I can’t just think about MY happiness. What about his? What if he’s no longer happy with me? Maybe that’s why he wanted this time off. But no. I know my boyfriend. He’s honest with me. He would’ve told me if he was unhappy. Oh, wait. He is unhappy. Because he thinks I don’t deserve the kind of time that he can offer me. He’s pressured, he says. But I don’t want to pressure him. I told him millions of times that I don’t mind. I don’t. I really, really, really, really don’t. Why can’t he just believe me and accept the fact that I’m willing to take that kind of sacrifice just to make this work? The sacrifice that we’re both making now is painful for the both of us. If we’re not “cooled off”, we’d both still be making sacrifices. Why can’t we just pick the latter? At least we’d both be better off. Forgive me if I find it hard to understand. I’ve just never gone through this before. It’s all new to me which is why I am at a loss.

To my friends: you guys have been great. Thank you for being there for me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Poignancy..

Why do I have to be such a cry baby? Really, I want to know. WHY?!! It irks me that I can't help but cry everytime I'm displeased about something. I cry when I'm about to come back to the Philippines after spending the summer in Europe; I cry when my parents fight; I cry when I'm homesick, stressed out, sad, and hurt. I hate crying. It gives me a headache and it makes my eyes go all red and puffy. No matter what my psychiatrist says about crying being a healthy outlet with which to express your frustrations, I still hate it.

So why did I cry tonight?

Because I was expecting us to spend time with each other. Of course, in our case, when I say spend time, I mean text nonstop or chat through Yahoo! Messenger. We chatted, alright. But it was just for an hour. He was at his friend's place. After an hour of our usual banter, he said he'd log out for a while so he could go back to his boarding house first then we could continue our little chat from the internet cafe near there. So I was expecting to spend some quality time with my boyfriend when he texted me to ask for my permission if he could go and watch a concert at UB with his friends. My cheeks warmed up when I read that text message. Why is it such a big deal, you may ask. Well it's just that he's been kinda busy for the past week that we haven't really had much chance to bond and stuff. I was hoping we could do some catching up this weekend but I had an ORIENT2 class the whole day and we can't do it tomorrow because he has to work on a plate. I am a VERY patient person and it takes A WHOLE LOT of slip-ups to infuriate me. That message was the last straw. It blew my lid off. I have been told countless times that I should not keep my emotions bottled up inside me. Se here they are, I am releasing them into the world wide web so that they may leave me in peace: I'm sad, angry, and hurt. Sad because I am all alone in this desolate dorm room: no roommates to joke around with because they all went home. My boyfriend used to keep me company during times like this. Of course, by "keeping company", I mean that he texts me until I fall asleep. That, at least, is a semblance of companionship. But tonight? Zip. Zilch. Nada. No text messages from anybody. Pathetic, I know. I'm such a loser. I feel so alone. I thought of calling up my friends to see if they're up for a spur of the moment Saturday night gimmick but then again I suppose they're busy as well. Everybody's busy these days. My parents hardly call me during weekdays because they're so wrapped up in their respective workplaces; my friends are so immersed in schoolwork that just the thought of distracting them makes me feel guilty; my boyfriend is in perpetual study mode; yaddah yaddah yaddah. I'm hurt because I feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with me as much as I want to with him. I don't know. Maybe I'm not that important to him after all. Ouch. Straight through the heart. That's excruciatingly painful. Uh-oh. I can feel my eyes welling up again. No. I won't cry. I WILL NOT CRY. I'm angry, too. I'm sorry but that's what I feel. I can't help it. It's just so...FRUSTRATING. I am at a loss once again. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Except cry.

But I won't anymore. I'm all cried out for tonight.

Here's what I'll do instead: get a good book, go to Starbucks, and drown my sorrows in a Venti Chocolate Cream Frapuccino.

Calories be damned.

Bleeding on the inside..

Random thoughts have been popping up in my head like they always do. The only difference is that, this time, each thought is tinged with fear. That's the problem with me: I think too much. It would be pure bliss just to be able to shut down my brain and stop contemplating about the littlest things that happen around me. It would be complete ecstasy just to be able to stop worrying about things that weren't meant to be worried about in the first place.

The past few days have been hurtful and confusing. It's been cold. I'm scared because I don't know why. I'm confused because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Things haven't been the same. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to make the fear go away. I've been crying because there's hurt at the pit of my stomach that's gone up all the way to my heart. I feel like there's poison inside me. How do I make it go away?

School feels like hell. My parents are putting so much pressure on me that I feel like I'm being choked. My friends are so busy with their lives that they could hardly be bothered to say hello. I will admit that I am spoiled but, forthe first time in my life, I feel like nothing's going my way. Sometimes I think things would be much easier if I just stopped breathing. But then I remember that God won't ever leave me. God never puts pressure on me. God alwayshas time for me. God never grows cold on me. God is always there. I think about these things and my tears stop flowing and I can breathe easily again. God is my source of strength during times like these. I think about all theblessings that I have and I start feeling better. I thank God for my family who, even though they're unconsciously torturing me, are always looking out for my welfare. I thank God that we can afford to send me to a kick-ass school.I thank God for my friends. And I thank God for my boyfriend who, eventhough he's been aloof for the past few days is trying his best to make things between us ok. I know he has his own problems right now and I understand that he needs time to think about certain things which is why I am willing to wait until things between us get back to normal. Whenever that will be. He's the only reason why I've been happy these past few weeks. Please don't take my reason away. I know that no relationship is perfect. Not everything is smoothly paved. You have to get through rough roads to be able to build a strong foundation.

I just wish things didn't have to hurt so much. I wish I could stop feeling even for just a moment so the turmoil raging inside of me would cease to exist.

A True Story..

Here's something that you don't see everyday:

Girl is standing inside her dorm room's utility room talking to her boyfriend on the phone when her roomate knocks on the door to tell her that the guard is looking for her. Girl is perplexed because she couldn't think of a reason why the guard would want to talk to her (except maybe to tell her that her father is on the phone or that her classmates are the gate or maybe to borrow her cellphone charger). So the girl walks down to the guard house (still talking to her boyfriend on the phone) and is surprised to find the guard giggling (yes giggling) and pointing to a package. Girl looks at the package and her eyes open wide because, written there in big bold letters is : From: JOHNRY CHUA (which happens to be her boyfriend's name), To: Girl's Full Name and Address. She starts "Oh-my-God-ing" on the phone and is speechless for quite some time. Her boyfriend feigns innocence and asks her what's going on. So she tells him. She starts jumuping up&down (the guard still giggling and teasing her about the package). She grabs the package and runs up to her room squealing (yes, that's the word) in delight. She takes a few moments to regain her composure and tears open the package. Inside she finds three stuffed toy dogs ( a large one, a medium sized one, and a small one). Keep in mind that her boyfriend is still on the phone with her. She hugs the dogs and jumps up and down once again. She looks inside the Blue Magic bag and finds a scroll inside. She hands the phone to her roommate because she needed some space to take in everything that was happening. She reads the letter. She cries. Her roommate hands the phone back to her because the call got disconnected. Her boyfriend calls again. She thanks him in between sobs. Her roommates read the letter and tell her that her hair is mahaba afterwards. She keeps crying. Her boyfriend keeps trying to pacify her. When she finally calms down, she thanks her boyfriend afterwards and teels him that she loves him. They talk mushy for a while and, when he finally puts down the phone, she reflects and is hit with the realization that she is indeed lucky to have him in her life.

Wait.

Why am I addressing myself in the 3rd person? Wala lang. I love you, Johnry. Thank you for that pleasant surprise. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how happy you made me. Well, actually you kind of do since I told you but still. You know what I mean.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I'll take good care of Johnry the 2nd, Kat Jr., and Moogle.

What's been happening...

So many things have happened since I last updated this that I could not possibly write everything down. But I'll try to.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2006:

I agreed to be Johnry's girlfriend. Those of you who know me well might be rolling your eyes at the fact that I have another boyfriend when it hasn't been that long since I broke up with the last one. Don't think I didn't contemplate on that before I got into this relationship because I did. I thought about it long and hard and, as you can see, I decided to take the plunge in the end. And you know what? I don't regret my decision. Johnry is a sweet, caring, funny, intelligent, thoughful, and loving person and I'm proud to call him my boyfriend.

SCHOOL:

It's been hell. I don't know if it's just me but I've been mentally and physicall exhausted for the past few days. INTROFI is killing me!!! It is a very intersting subject but the workload will push me to an early grave. Still trying to work hard for it, though, because I don't want to fail that subject. Apart from that, I am having no trouble with my other majors. INPRINT, INTRORE, and INBROAD could be boring at times but they're very informative. FILIPI3 is FILIPI3. It is a constant test of my Tagalog communication skills. GENDERS is undoubtedly my favorite subject for this term. I get culture shock every once in a while (who am I kidding? I get shocked almost every meeting) but the course is FUN, FUN, FUN. Mostly because I learn a lot of interesting info and we get to talk about topics that are normally considered as taboo (sex, homosexuality, blah,blah,blah). Don't get me wrong, I am not a green minded person, it's just that it's refreshing to be able to voice out your concerns/opinions about those kinds of topics without fearing judgment.

LOSING WEIGHT

They don't call it a DIE-et for nothing. I miss eating good, calorie-loaded foods like maltesers, oreos, animo sour cream flavored mojos (w/ the garlic mayo dip), gonuts donuts, adobo, longganisa, bacon, eggs, green chippy, binagoongan, kare-kare, pizza, burgers, french fries, hash brown, blahblahblah. I am stuck with wheatbread and bananas. Grrr.

What else?

My brain is, once again, cluttered with so many thoughts that they seem to be bouncing off each other so that I cannot comprehend what each is trying to communciate. I am, in other words, going bonkers (again, i know..hehe). I am frustrated with schoolwork but I am happy with my love life and everything else that I'm supposed to be happy about.

I turned legal yesterday..

That's right, I am no longer seventeen. Yesterday was my 18th birthday. In other words, I am now legal. I had a lot fun yesterday. Kris, Char, and I pigged out on Yellow Cab pizza, hot wings, and meatball spaghetti. Trix and I watched Calalily's U-break performance (may i just say that Kean is HOT..haha). I had kare-kare for dinner. My roommates surprised me with a triple chocolate roll. All in all, it was a pretty good birthday.

Although I still can't believe that, despite my lack of emotional maturity, I am now considered as and adult. A young one, but still. I no longer need to get a travel permit whenever I leave the country; I can go the Austrian embassy without a legal guardian now; I can get married if I want to (not that I plan on doing this anytime soon. I 'm just astounded by the fact that I CAN); I can drink legally (not that I do this often); I can watch R-18 movies (just in case they're required for class or whatever); I can go to jail for crimes against the nation (WTF?!?!); blahblahblah. What I'm really trying to say is that I'll miss being a child. People tend to expect less from young children and I will miss this kind of freedom. Now that I'm eighteen, I am fairly certain that those around me would want me to act like a grown up now. I'd hate to disappoint them but I think I won't be able to do it. Act all mature, I mean. Not now anyways. Someday, for sure. But not anytime soon. I have every intention of enjoying what's left of my teenage years.

No, it hasn't been much fun at all since you've been gone..

Whenever I feel frustrated because things aren't going my way, only five things can make me feel better:

1. Praying.

2. Talking to my parents.

3. Talking to my friends.

4. Shopping.

5. Cleaning.

Talking to God always helps. You should try it sometime.

My mom and my dad are huge influences in my life. Although I technically didn't grow up with them, their practical way of looking at things and their non-verbal but constant reassurances of unconditional love never fail to soothe my frazzled nerves. Yes, I am almost eighteen years old but I still run to my mommy and my daddy when I have a "booboo".

My friends are amazing. I can talk to them about anything without having to worry about what they think of me because they accept me for who I am. I wouldn't trade any of them for all the Maltesers in the world.

Shopping is a no-fail therapy. It never fails to make me happy.

Cleaning helps because I firmly believe that if I can't organize my life then I can at least organize my surroundings. My favorite chores are ironing clothes and washing the dishes. Vacuuming and mopping the floors, too. Of course, I don't get to do those often because I have someone who irons for me and we have cleaning ladies at the dorm who take care of the floors for us. So I focus my attention on my closets: classifying my clothes according to color and use (pang bahay, pang alis, corporate, you get the gist.); arranging my magazines according to the issue dates; piling up my books according to their authors; re-arranging my shoes; and so on. Cleaning helps me forget that I have other problems because, I focus on whatever task is at hand.

It's pure bliss because I forget, even for just a while, that I live in the real world and that it tends to suck from time to time.

Ich vermisse ihn..

SONG of the MOMENT:

Rihanna's "S.O.S" (part of it, anyway)

...S.O.S please someone help me.

it's not healthy for me to feel this

Y O U are making this hard,

I can't take it see it don't feel right.

S.O.S please someone help me,

it's not healthy for me to feel this

Y O U are making this hard,

You got me tossing turning

can't sleep at night..

I (and a lot of other people) have said it before: THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA. So why in the name of all that is good and holy can't I forget about him?! Oh, sure, I can, I suppose. One of these days, I will wake up and be all, "I am so not in love with him anymore." and I will actually mean it. But right now, it's just so hard not to miss him. I miss our conversastions. I miss his humor. I miss his wit. I miss the way he mispronounces certain deutsch words. I miss the way he expresses jubilation when he finally gets the pronunciation of the aforementioned deutsch words. I miss his laugh. I miss...ah, screw this, let me just put it this way: I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM. Darn it, why did he have to be such an interesting person? And, why, oh, why did i have to be such a wuss?

To quote Rosie Dunne's sister Stepahnie: "Don't torture yourselff with questions that you don't know the answer to.." or something to that effect.

I bloody hate this.

Moving on..

It's over. I finally gathered enough guts to end it last Sunday. I feel a strange combination of relief and longing. Whatever. Enough of this.

My term break hasn't been productive so far. It's been a bit of a bummer, actually. I spent most of the weekend organizing my birthday dinner (picking the venue, going over the menu, ordering the cake, shopping for an outfit, trying to decide what my 'give-aways' should be, blah, blah, blah..) with my tita while Monday and Tuesday were spent sleeping, eating, watching tv, watching DVD's, reading, texting, and being driven crazy by one of my tita's maids who keeps blasting Aegis, Britney Spears, Westlife, and Michael Learns to Rock throughout the house. I've now got Uptown Girl stuck in my head thanks to her.

Chitchat..

There are no classes today because it's Ninoy Aquino Day.

I have no classes tomorrow because it's finals week at the De La Salle University-Manila and the only scheduled exams that I have are on Wednesday (RELSTWO, if you really must know). I have no more classes after that.

In other words, I am a free person.

I'm worry free until September 10.

Come Septmeber 11, my classmates (and fellow Comm.Arts students) and I will be starting our much dreaded sleep-depriving, brain cell-consuming, heart attack-inducing major subjects.

INTROFI, INBROAD, INTRORE (FOTOCAM for others), and INPRINT, here we come.

In the meantime, let's study for the finals and bask in our well-earned term break afterwards.

Don't Let It Go To Your Head...

I have a bad case of the LSS..This song has been playing in my head since who knows when..

So what if I came clean

And told you all you mean to me

So what if I meant every word I said

Baby don't let it go to your head

So what if I write your name

Cause you're always on my brain

In a heart, I paint it crimson red

Baby don't let it go to your head

Don't be getting any big ideas

Let me make it clear

[Chorus:]

Just cause I can't go on

Just cause I die when you're gone

Just cause I think of you in bed

Don't let it go to your head

If I looked in your eyes

One, two, too many times

And memorized every word you said

Don't let it go to your head

So what if I want to kiss

From your toes up to your lips

It don't mean that you've had me yet

You're gonna be good, I bet

I'm the one whose in control here

Let me make it clear

Just cause I can't go on

Just cause I die when you're gone

Just cause I think of you in bed

Don't let it go to your head

If I looked in your eyes

One, two, too many times

And memorized every word you said

Don't let it go to your head (2x)

I had a porcelain doll

I held on to it so tightly

But when it broke, I swore

I'd never hold on to something that tightly again

Don't let it go to your head

Oh, no (oh, no)

Just cause I can't go on

Just cause I die when you're gone

Just cause I think of you in bed

Don't let it go to your head (2x)

Just cause I can't go on

Just cause I die when you're gone

Just cause I think of you in bed

Don't let it go to your head

If I looked in your eyes (ohh)

One, two, too many times

And memorized every word you said

Don't let it go to your head (ohh)

Don't let it go to your head (ohh)

Don't let it go to your head (don't let it, don't let it)

Don't let it go to your head (ohh)

Wasted..

Today, I woke up with my very first hang over. I have never (as in NEVER) ingested alcohol before in my entire life. Until last night, that is. So, ladies and gentlemen, I am no longer an 'alcohol virgin' as one of my friends so aptly put it. Hear that? That's the hallelujah chorus in the background. Not that I have plans to turn into an alcoholic (as if) but at least my system has been 'baptized' or whatever they call it. I don't plan on drinking again any time soon though. Seriously, now that I've tried it, I don't get why a lot of people like doing it. Drinking, I mean. The stuff tastes bad, it makes your tummy all warm-ish, it makes your head pound, and it makes you go all woozy. Kind of masochistic, actually. My high school barkada will go wild when they hear of this. They have forever been after me to try drinking (.."kahit isang bottle lang".."just a glass".."half a glass".."a gulp".."a sip".."sige isang drop na lang, just try it,ok?!!"..) but i never gave in. I don't know what came over me last night. Maybe it was the knowledge that, at seventeen years old, I have never felt the touch of a beer bottle on my lips that drove me to it. Haha. Whatever.

"Kat...You mean so much to me..I just wanted to let you know that..."

It's nice to be told by someone that you mean so much to him.

"I don't know what to do without you.."

It's nice to be told that, too.

Eto pamatay:

"I love you so much..."

You know what would be even nicer?

If all of it were true..

It's so easy to hide behind words. Godness knows I do it all the time and I happen to have been victimized by words through wrong declarations in the past. But, just this once, let the words be mere manifestations of unadulterated love.

Dagnabbit, I'm turning keso again.

Direment Impediments..

Did you know that if a Catholic wanted to marry a non-Catholic Christian they have to apply for a dispensation from a bishop? The dispensation is basically permission to get married in the Catholic church. And it's a form of agreement from the Catholic party that he/she will not convert to his/her spouse's religion and a promise that they will bring up their children as Catholics.

I find it interesting, is all..

All stressed out and no one to choke..

I got that from one of my "Mates..Dates.." books. It's exactly how I feel right now. I've got so much to do that I don't know where I'm supposed to begin. How can two subjects make my life a living hell? If one of them assigns a recital and the other a panel discussion on the exact same day. That's how. Research. Research. Research.

WHY oh WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?

Bitin na bitin..

I love weekends. Seriously, why do they have to end so quickly? No more sleeping in for me. Oh, wait, my first class isn't until 11.40 tomorrow. I can sleep in. Teehee.

I spent the better part of the day lazing around. Which, for me, includes lots of sleep, a bit of reading, and some internet time. Of course, my phone practically remained glued to my hand. It's disgusting how attached I've become to it. I start hyperventilating if I'm separated from it for too long. I'm not using my other number (SUN) since I lent my other phone to my roomate. I'll be getting it back soon because I want to buy a Smart sim. Why? Because I want to have one. Plain and simple.

I just finished reading Meg Cabot's 'Every Boy's Got One'. I am sorry to say that it was a bummer. It's supposed to be a grown up-ish book but the character, Jane Harris, is like a thirty year old version of Mia Thermopolis. It was hilarious, I'll give her that but it was..predictable. I love Meg Cabot but I advise you against reading this particular book.

I am in hate..

Hate is, like, the opposite of love. Being in hate is like being in love. They are both intense feelings. The difference? The latter gives you that butterflies-in-the-stomach, mushy-gushy feeling while the former makes you want to beat the crap out of the offending party.

I hate him. I so hate him. You! Yes, you! If you're reading this, I want you to know that I hate you. You know who you are. You know why I'm seething. You know what you did. And you should bloody well know that there's no effing way in hell that I'm gonna get over this any time soon.

I shouldn't have been so stupid. It's partly my fault, really. I allowed myself to fall into your trap. I BELIEVED you. I believed every single word. How could you let me down like this? What did I ever do to you to deserve this kind of treatment? Have I ever been unkind to you? Unsupportive? Was I ever a bitch to you? Did I bore you to death? WHAT?! You could at least be the gentleman that you claim to be by doing me the courtesy of telling me.

This is so over. It is. It really, really is. He probably knows it, too. Probably doesn't care either. Most probably not affected at all.

Blah..blah..blah..

Two days. Galeng, grabeh. Kaya niya yun. Ako hindi ko kaya. Pero kinakaya. I don't want him to think that I miss him. Kahit totoo. Ewan. Pride. Hay nako, di nakakain yan. Basta. Bahala siya sa buhay niya. I'm not about to make the first move. Maghintayan na lang kami hanggang mabulok kami pareho.

I've been really busy. School has just been crazy recently. And it's gonna remain that way for a while because finals week is just around the corner.

I had a pretty good week.

Monday: Classes were cancelled. Yay.

Tuesday: Classes were cancelled again. Double yay. Went to SM Mall of Asia with Sheila and Raizza. After that, went to Power Plant with Raizza, Trixie, and Ate Camille.

Wednesday: Had dinner with old roomates, Ate Karrina and Trixia.

Thursday: La lang.

Friday: While the rest of the Philippines was gyrating to the sounds of the PCD, I was at the Yuchengco Auditorium, watching the Chamber Ensemble recital for my and Jackie's article. Got back at the dorm around 9.30. Went to Paranaque with Sheila and Ate Princess to pick up Raizza at her classmate's house. After that, with Sue this time, went to Baclaran church. Then we went to the Starbucks in Harbor Square where we stayed 'til 1.30am (ish) and where my diet was practically ruined by a sausage roll and a grande chocolate cream frapuccino. After that, we went for a drive around Malate. Saw a lot of strange people. Got back at the dorm at around 2am.

Saturday: GMG Basic Photography Workshop from 9-5.

That's it really. Got a ton of homework, too.

Promises are made to be broken..

I just don't get why people have to be so hostile while it's much better to be nice to others. Like, just a few moments ago, some lady was complaining to the internet shop keeper about some E-load discrepancy. The way she was going on, you'd think the poor guy did her a great personal wrong (something along the lines of murder, extortion, that kind of thing). Why did she have to be so mean? She could've asked nicely, right? It's such a hassle to be so bad tempered. Not only do you make the people around you nervous/uncomfortable but you're just giving yourself an unnecessary headache. Based on my experience, kindness reaps more rewards.

He promised. I hope he pushes through with it. I'd be kind of hurt if he didn't.

Kolehiyala blues..

Whoever said that college is no picnic wasn't kidding.

I have to:

1. Submit my RELSTWO church invlovement folder tommorrow. Haven't even finished the journal part.

2. Submit my paper for Chronicle of a Death Foretold on friday. Haven't even started yet.

3. Submit a five page paper about the sacrament of reconciliation for RELSTWO next tuesday. Ditto.

4. Submit a music video/flash presentation with my groupmates for FILIPI2 next Friday. Ditto.

5. Submit a video interview of a WW2 OR 1st quarter storm survivor for KASPIL2 who knows when. Can't find a videocam that uses v8 (why, oh WHYYYYYYYY couldn't he just let us use a dv??).

blah..blah..blah..

I'm supposed to be doing homework but I'm doing this instead. That's because I need a break. If I don't pause even for just a bit, I might get information overload or something like that.

Me and the world are at an odds..

The forces of the universe are, once again, conspiring to make me go cuckoo. Just when I am practically unavailable, oppurtunities to bond with my former crushes present themselves. Like, for example, after ten years (not really, but you get the drift), someone finally introduces me to Paolo. And, just this week, my other crush has asked me several times if we can do our homework together (geeky, I know, but still). Of course, he and I are just friends (that's crystal clear to me) but it's kinda, for lack of a better term, nice to hang out with him. He's very easy to talk to and he's funny and all that. And to cap it all off, I saw Ron this morning. I was on my way to the Miguel clock when our paths literally crossed. Talk about a morning pick-me-up. That totally snapped me out of my stupor. Why?? Why me?? Why now??

I am convinced that the world is out to loosen the already precarious screws in my head. I hope I can cling to the tiny scraps of sanity left in me. I have, after all, my whole life ahead of me.

"No one else comes close..

To you..

No one makes me feel the way you do..

You're so special boy (hehe) to me..

And you'll always be eternally.."

I am still being plagued by extreme cheesiness. I am in the internet cafe near the dorm and "No One Else Comes Close" is playing in the background. As mushy as it is, I actually like this song. It was my and my first boyfriend's "song", if you know what I mean. Gross-ish, I know but I was fourteen years old, cut me some slack, will you? Even if my first ex and I are waaaaaaaaayyy over, I still couldn't bring myself to hate that song. Actually, it's pretty applicable right now but with an entirely different guy.

Nyak, I have HW. I almost forgot.

Dahil ikaw..Ikaw ang dahilan..

I have so much pent up energy. I woke up this morning feeling like running all over the place. So, to pacify myself, I did crunches. Unsatisfied, I then proceeded to do push-ups. After that, still compelled to move, I ran around the dorm room. Then I did jumping jacks just for the sake of doing them. Talk about hyperactive. I don't know what's come over me. I am so ready to do this. Next week, I am going to start an even more rigid weight loss regimen. If I don't lose weight by September, ewan ko na lang. Look out, world, I'm gonna knock your socks off. To start off, I'm going to go shopping for gym stuff. haha.

There are so many things that I want to do but I don't have time to go and do them. I wanna learn how to play the drums. I want to take up French, Spanish, Japanese, Korean, and improve my German. I want to go sky diving and bungee jumping. I want to take Photoshop lessons. I want to go book shopping. I want to try out for Candy's Council of Cool. I wanna do boxing and kickboxing and Ultimate Frisbee and table tennis, even basketball. I want to practice driving. I want to get my license. I want to watch a movie. I want..I want..I want. This is a checklist, see? One of these days, I will have accomplished everything in it. Or so I hope. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I keep wondering what the hell I got myself into. I can't even begin to fathom the depths of the innate stupidity which drove me to my actions. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, I am such a pushover.

Darn.

Feeling better and better..

The past six days have been a whirlwind of mixed emotions. I can't begin to express just how glad I am that I'm finally starting to calm down from all the excitement. I'm still happy, thank God, but the anxiety is winding down. Whoopdeedoo for me.

I told Carlo about my worries and he gave me some pretty kick-ass advice. Thanks, Christian Achiever (kahit di mo 'to mababasa..hehe). Seriously, who would have thought that he and I would become friends. After our block's relentless teasing last and last last term, I thought I'd never have the guts to face him again. But, yey, we're friends now. Kind of close ones, even. We just laugh off our block's ridiculous idea that he and I are an item. As showbiz as this may sound, he and I are really just friends. I'll always be "Trivia Master" to him and he'll always be "Christian Achiever aka Pacquiao the 2nd" to me.

I'll be sleeping alone in our dorm room tonight. All of my roomates went home. I'm kinda scared because, well, I am a scaredy kat..hehe. Yak, ang corny ko talaga. It is pretty scary though. Hayy. How I wish I can go home..to Austria..If I had that much money right now, I'd buy a plane ticket and fly off. But, of course, I can't. First of all because I don't have that much money on me and second because I'll miss someone here. A lot of someones actually but mostly this one person whose name starts with the tenth letter in the alphabet. Besides, I can't miss classes. The final exams are almost upon us again. My goodness, ang bilis.

Nyah. I gotta go back the dorm.

It should be illegal to miss someone this much..

This is a travesty. I was editing my blogspot profile and, when it came to listing my favorite books, the space allotted was only 600 characters!!! Puh-leeze. I have read more than a hundred books and have liked most of them. 600 characters are so not sufficient. But whatever. It's not like a lot of people read this anyways. I only told a few people (friends&blockmates mostly) that I keep this blog. I certainly can't tell my parents, aunts, uncles, ninongs, ninangs that I have this because, knowing them, they're gonna want to read it and, since it contains incriminating information, I can't let that happen. If my parents find out about him, I am toast with a capital T. It would be "goodbye, motherland" for me.

Terminally Insane..

I am going out of my mind with paranoia.

Everyone I asked about my little situation all said the same thing. Wow. Thanks, Trixia, Char, Anna, and Wina. You've put things into perspective for me. Well, kind of. At least I have some ideas as to how I'm supposed to deal with this. I've never had to cope with this kind of thing before and, to be honest, I need all the help I can get. This is very emotionally exhausting. What with school and all. It's just that I can't stop thinking about him. I am so distracted. I wouldn't mind if he was paying the exact same attention to me but I think he may be getting bored with me or something. Am I nuts or what? It's just that I haven't felt like this in a while. I am happy yet I am sad at the same time. I don't want to feel like this. I want to enjoy life. I want to be carefree. But I also want to keep him. How do I do that? I don't know.

Someone just kill me and put me out of my misery.

BLAH...

I am now the proud owner of a Sigma SD9. Yeah, baby!! It's the very first digital camera to utilize X3 sensor technology. I have no idea what that means but it sounds complicated so I like it. I am so excited. I'd bring it to school today if it weren't raining but it is so..Some other time. Of course I'm still drooling after a Nikon D70 but, hey, beggars can't be choosers. Besides, a DSLR is a DLSR. I ain't complaining. Thanks Mutti and Vati!!!

I was up at the crack of dawn. 7am actually but whatever. I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I'm quite restless. But in a good way. I think.

It isn't even noon yet but I've already made a considerable dent in my wallet. I'm 300 bucks poorer because I had to go to Makati today to meet up with my ninang. My parents sent me my DLSR (i love saying it: MY DSLR..hehe..) through her and we met up at the Austrian Embassy so she could give it to me. Since I didn't feel like being trampled at the LRT and MRT, I decided to take a cab. So there. I don't mind though. I like spending for stuff that makes me happy. I've been told (more times than I can count) that I am an impulsive buyer/spender. When I like something, I buy it. I won't rest until I do anyways so I might as well go ahead and splurge. Call me materialistic but nothing can change that. I've been spoiled rotten. haha. My parents compensate for their physical absence by buying me practically whatever I want. I'm not a brat, though. I still know when to draw the line.

I'm uploading friendster pics for my brother. The kid is growing up. He's taller than me now. tsk. Can't even bully him anymore. Kidding. I love my little bro. Our favorite pastime is wrestling. I usually win but, once in a while, I let him. I think he has a grilfriend now. Her name is Katie and she is British. I think he's a little young to be having a girlfriend. He's only thirteen for crying out loud. How old was I when I had my first boyfriend? Fourteen. That's a whole year older!!! hehe. I'm being over protective aren't I? He's my only sibling, it's quite understandable I suppose. I might not be expressive but I love that little critter to bits. I'm saving up for a PSP. He badly wants one. He was supposed to get one last last month but my parents took one look at his cellphone bill and *poof* it became coco crunch. Goodbye, PSP. Hello, grounded-ness (?). But he really, really wants one. I made him promise me before I went back to the Philippines that he'll behave himself, help out with the chores at home, blah. blah. blah. If he does, I'll buy him a PSP when I return next summer. I don't think he believed me but I love surprising people and, boy, would he be surprised.

Uh-oh. I lost track of time. I'd better go.

De-Cluttering..Again..

This is a continuation of yesterday's post. A lot has happened during the last 24 or so hours.

The CLA convocation won't push through tomorrow. So much for my first coverage job. Ah, well. We have loads of other productions this term. I'll have plenty of other oppurtunities to accumulate prods for my invovlement sheet. At least I enjoyed hanging out at the GMG tambayan yesterday. I was reading Chronicle of a Death Foretold while Chuckie and Eric were reciting lines from The Craft. I almost keeled over from laughing. I may have abs now (I wish). Jose was trying to sell us a Benz (sure, I just happen to have some spare change here, I'll buy the car). Benjie was doing his INTRECO homework. I interviewed him a little bit.

ME: What are you doing?
HIM: INTRECO homework.
ME: Ah.
HIM: Second year ka din diba?
ME: Yup. You?
HIM: Oo.
ME: What's your course?
HIM: PHM
ME: Cool. Philippine Mass Media, right?
HIM: Yup.
ME: So what's the difference between PHM and Comm.Arts?
HIM: Your course is more technical. PHM is concentrated on writing. And, of course, it's in Filipino.
ME: That's cool. Pero diba konti lang kayo sa course nio? I mean, because it's new and all.
HIM: Oo. Karamihan ng PHM students shiftees from CBE.

Something like that anyways.

Moving on.

A lot of people reacted to my post yesterday. About me being in love and all. Well, I am. I so am. I just won't tell them who the mystery guy is. Let them keep guessing. (insert evil laugh here). It's a little hard to explain but I will in my own sweet time. Our situation is a little hard to get used to. I'll start giving out details when I'm more accustomed to it. I promise. I'm sorry if I've left any of you hanging on the edge of your seats. For the meantime, let me tell you, my beloved friends, that his name is Jarren and he is the reason why I can't stop smiling. I'll probabaly get laugh lines now. But I don't care. Trixia, hindi na ko full load!!! Three units na lang. And I plan to keep it that way. I also have a bad case of the mushies. I've been playing the same song on my iPod since yesterday.

De-Cluttering..

My mind is full of junk. Which is why it needs a good spring cleaning. Even if it isn't spring.

First things first. I am in love. Yeah, I am. I am ridiculously happy right now. I have been for the past 48 hours. Our situation is a little different from what I'm normally used to but I don't give a flying rat's ass. I'm happy. The only downside to this is that I miss him the moment we lose contact. It's hard because I can't stop thinking about him. I can't concentrate in classes. I can't sleep (my body clock is way messed up right now). I can't think straight. I can't even eat properly. Dammit, how can a boy affect me like this? I know: if that boy is HIM. Sheesh. But, hey, I can live with all that as long as I'm with him. Ugh, ang cheesy ko. Ah, well.

I have my first coverage assignment for GMG on Wednesday. I didn't plan on volunteering but Benjie (the covergae poolhead) made it hard for me to refuse. I mean, he asked really nicely and all. So I'm covering the CLA convocation at the Theresea Yuchenco Auditorium on Wednesday (U-Break) with Raphael.

Uh-oh. Something came up. I'll continue this some other time.

I am guilty of stupidity..

If it were a crime, I'd be behind bars right now. Technically, I can't go to jail yet because I'm a few months shy of my eighteenth birthday but whatever.

Anyways, despite the lack of activity in the area between my ears, I had a pretty good day. GMG had a prod and I signed up as a PA so I was quite busy the whole afternoon. PA-ing is fun. It involves a lot of running around which is good exercise. Am I making any sense? No? Didn't think so.

Excuse me while I bang my head against the wall.

Bittersweet Paradox..

Why bittersweet?
Because that's what my life is like.

Why paradox?
Ever since I read my crush's valedictory speech, the word paradox has stuck to my mind like a burr under a horse's tail. It's just a fancier word for contradiction and absurdity. I like it because it sounds good.

So how are they connected to each other?
They're not. I just like the way bittersweet paradox rolls off my tongue.

No classes today.

CLASSES ARE SUSPENDED. Those are the three little words that caused a tremendous kerfuffle at the Gen Ed. building yesterday. I was in our LITERA2 classroom when Mang Jack (I'm willing to bet) came on the loudspeaker and said the words that any college student would be ecstatic to hear.

CLASSES ARE SUSPENDED TOMORROW. I want to believe this. Someone please tell me that it's true.

Here's hoping that, for the first time in my life, I would be able to maintain a blog.