BREAKDOWN

"You look like crap.."

That was how one of my friends greeted me when I walked into class yesterday. It's not exactly something that one wants to hear often but that's what I like about friends: they're tactlessly honest. And they're very much concerned with you mental state/well-being so her next line was:

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

That's another thing about good friends. They can tell when something's bugging you. Although I said thanks but no thanks to her, I appreciate the gesture. Everyone's been on my back about this. Apparently, they're not used to me being unnaturally quiet and staring off into space whenever I get the chance. It's not like i'm doing it on purpose. I just have a lot on my mind right now. And they're things beyond the realm of my comprehension so I'm especially confused and frustrated. My preoccupation is centered around one person in particular and it doesn't take a genius to figure out who I'm talking about.

It's just that...I was (actually still am) under the impression that when you are important to someone, that person makes effort to make sure that you're ok, see how you're doing, and stuff like that. A person who truly loves you is sensitive to your feelings. When he knows that you are the kind of person who worries a lot, he makes constant reassurances that everything's alright, that he's safe whereveer he is, and so on. A person who loves you would not consciously hurt your feelings. A person who genuinely cares about you will find ways to communicate with you even under near impossible circumstances. It's what I'd do anyways. And I'm under the impression that that's the way things ought to be. I didn't get that wrong did I?

That's another thing...All these has led me to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Am I starting to bug him with my constant text messaging and calls? It's just that communication is one of the most vital components of a long distance relationship. We only get to see each other, like, once a month, shouldn't we compensate for our not being together by at least updating each other about the things that are happening to us or something like that? I know what I'm talking about, I swear. I'm not exactly a neophtye in long distance relationships, am I?

I'm just so frustrated. I mean, how would you feel if your boyfriend only texts you like once-thrice a day? Not good, that's for sure. How would you feel if your boyfriend didn't take your calls? Because, according to him, he doesn't have his phone with him. How do you even interpret the fact that he hasn't had his phone with him for, like, two days now? When he very well knows that you are going apeshit with worry. Apeshit doesn't even begin to cover what I'm feeling right now.

I'm worried and I'm scared. I feel like I'm not important to him anymore. I feel like crap. I feel like he's always finding excuses not to talk to me. I wish he'd tell me if he had some sort of problem or whatever. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm so effing tired of being patient. I'm so sick of having to check my phone every so often only to find out that, no, he can't spare me five minutes of his precious time. My stomach feels like it's hollow and I feel like there's something heavy pressing down on my chest. I can't breathe properly even I'm not having an asthma attack. I'm tired of crying when I don't even know what's there to cry about. I'm just not emotionally equipped to handle something like this.

Someone sent me a quote a long time ago, I don't even remember who but a part of it goes like this: "..one of the most painful things is having to doubt something that you thought you were so sure of.." or something to that effect. If he really loves me, then why is he taking me for granted? If he really cares about me then why is he treating me like this?

I'm so effing lost.