Off the top of my head

I just feel like writing. I know I posted something before this just a few minutes ago but that was just a repost so it doesn't really count. I don't really have a specific topic in mind. These are just random ramblings. Bear with me here. 

So.. We've been packing like crazy for the past few days because we're about to move to Victoria Towers this coming Saturday. Since the condo is a fairly tiny place, it will barely fit all of us so we have to send most of our stuff back home to San Jose. Some of the stuff, we decided to give away because they're just useless clutter. This is when I affirmed the fact that I really do have separation issues. It pained me to give away clothes even when I wasn't using them anymore. Some of them had sentimental value so it was very hard to part with them. I gave away at least two boxes full of clothes. Just imagine how hard it was for me to sort through my things and decide which ones to keep. I mean, I like all of my stuff, that's why I own them, isn't it? The same thing happened with shoes. I gave away a box full of footwear. I am fond of each and every pair of those shoes but I had to give them away because they simply didn't have space anymore. I also gave away bags and various other items that we're strangely hard for me to part with. I easily get attached to things. That's why letting go is so hard for me. But there. We gotta learn, I suppose..

I simply refused to give up my books. Over my dead body are they gonna give away my books! Probably not even then because my cold corpse shall be clutching those books with all its might. They don't have space in the condo so I opted to send them home to San Jose. Which is still pretty painful for me because I am very very very fond of my books. I mean, how can I not be? They are my form of escape when the world starts to suck from time to time. 

I still have a few boxes of clothes left and I am trying to figure out how to sneak them into the condo without my tita noticing. *insert evil laugh here* In my defense, these are the clothes that I use all the time. Well, most of them anyways. Some of them I just really can't let go because my mom or other important people gave them to me. 

And then there are the little things which I am quite certain are classified as trash but I just don't have the heart to throw them away because they symbolize significant moments/memories for me. Like this teeny little shell that I got when I was in Italy. I was walking on the beach in Lignano when I decided to just pick up a random shell. I clearly remember that moment because it was the last time when I felt completely at peace. I didn't have love-related problems. School-related conflicts. I didn't have any problems, period. I was happy. I was content. That was the last time I remember feeling like that and the little shell is a reminder of it so I just can't throw it away. And then there's this pseudo-birthday banner that my Resi roomies made for me on my 18th birthday. It's just crayon on short bond paper but I can't throw it away because my former roomies were like my college family for the two years that we were together and the banner is a reminder of how lucky I am to have met really nice people like them. 

These are the kinds of things that I think about when I sort through my things which is why, like I said about a gazillion times already in this blog entry, it is not easy for me to throw things away. 

I have separation issues.

Think about it..

*I got this from a schoolmate who got it from a friend. Anyways, I didn't write it. I just reposted it because I think it makes sense.. 

This might give you things to ponder about. ^^,

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who takes your breath away?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you breathe easier when times get rough...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person you stay up all night thinking about?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to sleep easier knowing that they are in your life...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who completes you?

- but rather, it's the person who makes you feel whole and able to be who you are when you're by yourself...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who sweeps you off your feet?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to stay grounded, focused and determined to do the things you set out to do...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who totally understands you and knows everything about you?

- but rather, it's the person who sees things that you don't and spends the time to try to get to know more of you...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the one who brings out the best in you?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to discover the things about yourself that you need to change...

What if "the one" isn't the person who gives you butterflies, or makes you feel all tingly on the inside?

- but rather, it's the person who gives you comfort when you need it and makes you feel safe on the outside...

What if "the one" isn't the person you've been waiting for all your life?

- but rather, it's the person that's been waiting for YOU all your life...

--Ptr. King

My Christmas Wish List

Exchange gifts namin ng college barkada ko sa Friday. Traditionally, we write wish lists so that we all know what to get each other. And here's mine. I've grouped them according to Price Range.

Realistic (The things that I am most likely to get..)

1. Books (ANY of the following. pwede rin ALL if you like. haha)

a. The Tales of Beedle the Bard by JK Rowling

b. What My Mother Doesn't Know by Sonya Sones

c. Stop in the Name of Pants! by Louise Rennison

d. The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami

2. American Boulevard shirt (XL po ako)

3. BIG Pillow (dahil walang ka-hug this Christmas. huhu)

4. Hoodie (preferably Purple)

5. Twilight Soundtrack (some of the songs are nice. yung iba ngekngok. kasya ba 'to budget? i'm not sure. hehe. bahala na.)

6. Owls (collection ko po ito. kahit ano basta owl. stuffed toy. keychain. pillow. basta may owl. hehe)

Semi-Relistic (The things that I might posssibly get..)

1. Havaianas (size 37-38, flats lang po, i don't like the ones with heels.)

2. Chucks (I want Purple or Orange, size 5)

3. Red Mary Janes from Crocs (size 6-7)

4. killer heels from Nine West, red or purple or black (di ko sha isusuot, titignan ko lang. haha)

5. A dress from Kamiseta (preferably purple or red. size:XS. oo XS. di ka nagkakamali ng basa, XS talaga yan. haha. they have big sizes eh.)

6. Red PSP (nawawala lahat ng PSP dito sa bahay. namimiss ko na maglaro ng Tekken at Virtual Tennis)

7. 32GB iPod touch

Absurd (The things that I could get but would cost too much..)

1. Roundtrip Ticket to Austria

2. Roundtrip Ticket to the US

3. Roundtrip Ticket to Hong Kong

4. Roundtrip Ticket to Singapore

gusto ko umalis. kahit sandali lang.

Impossible (The things that I shouldn't even be asking for in a Christmas wishlist)

1. Nikon d700

2. Porsche 911 Turbo. Yellow, please.

3. Mitsubishi Eclipse GT. Red naman.

4. World Peace

Priceless (Nevermind all the things I said. Ito na lang ibigay nio sakin.)

Matinong boyfriend.

Yun lang.

Matino.

Di mang-iiwan.

Di mananakit.

Di magpapaiyak.

I could have all the material things in the world but none of them would matter. Money can't buy happiness. "Everything means nothing if I ain't got you" ang drama. Oh, diba.

Advanced Merry Christmas y'all. 

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

³ If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

⁵ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

¹⁰ but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

¹² Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Ten Things I Hate About Love

Sure, there are lots of things to like about love. But, unfortunately, while there may be a positive side to everything, there's also the negative face. Here's a list of the top ten things that we love to hate about love.

Ten:

The way it can make you do crazy things. Whether it's something as outrageous as getting your special someone's name tatooed on your hiney or stalking the object of your affections, there's no doubt that love can loosen a few screws in your head. 

Nine:

The way it can make you feel different emotions all at the same time. Have you ever felt elated, anxious, enraged, blissful, empty, and fulfilled all in the span of five minutes? No? Then you've never been in love. 

Eight:

All the irritating butterflies in your stomach. Falling in love has a way of suddenly turning your tummy into the world's largest butterfly house. All those critters in there, so to speak, just give you that sickening feeling that kind of makes you wanna hurl. Now who would want that?

Seven:

The way it can put you in a daze. Recall those moments when you get that glazed look in your eyes and you just phase out and slip into "the zone" because you're thinking of the love of your life. Not only does it embarrass you when people gawk at you because you look stoned, it makes you look stupid too.

Six:

The way it can make you forget some of the important people in your life. The moment you and your beloved hook up, you start living in a different dimension. You start blowing off gimmicks with friends, skipping on Sunday lunch with relatives, missing your fave shows, the list goes on and on and on. Spending time with your sweetie is all good and well but don't shunt aside all the people who have been with you through thick and thin way before your sweetheart entered the scene. 

Five:

The way it can make you stupid. When you are in love, your IQ has a tendency of dropping from genius to a few notches below average. It sort of burns all your neurons, consuming them 'til they're nothing but wisps of smoke so that your usual bitingly witty self is reduced to speaking gibberish when the object of your affections is anywhere within a 5-mile radius of you. 

Four:

The way it can make you blind. Everyone knows this cliche. Love has a way of making you want to shield yourself from the truth as long as you remain in your happy little world wherein lovers don't cheat on each other, no one lies, no one gets hurt, and everyone is ridiculously merry. Two words for you: wake up! Sure the truth can suck but the more you deny it, the more you will get hurt when you finally decide to stop pretending and start seeing the ugly, naked truth that it's impossible to love and not get hurt in the process.

Three:

The way it can make you lose so much sleep. We need eight hours of sleep a day. Sadly, we lose about half of it (if not more) whenever we ponder on thoughts concerning "the one". When we finally succumb to sleep and manage four hours worth of slumber, we wake up in the morning with a colossal headache, baggy aching eyes, and grouchiness that could add a few wrinkles to our already creased faces. It's not exactly what one could call refreshing. 

Two:

The way it can make you cry. Whether it's crying tears of joy or wallowing in a puddle of grief, your beloved consumes about half of your whole's life supply of tears. And crying for whatever reason never fails to make anyone's eyes look all red and puffy. Not very attractive, is it?

One:

The thing that I hate the most about love is that it can break your heart. We're talking about almost literally ripping out someone's full-sized aortic pump out of their chest, hurling it across the room, and then stomping all over it wearing shoes that were made for climbing ice walls (you know, the ones with the sharp little spikes). Allowing yourself to fall in love is setting yourself up to get hurt in some way. It's kind of masochistic actually. At one episode of your life, you will love and lose.

Like I've said before, love is not all milk and honey. It also has ampalaya moments. Getting hurt, getting that feeling that just makes you want to hurl is all part of it. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not suggesting abstaining from love or something like that. These are just things to watch out for when your moment finally comes. If you think you're ready to actually take your own dosage of luuurve, you should be prepared to tackle its side effects. 

* NOTE: I wrote this when I was in high school. It's so cheesy which is why I find it absolutely hilarious now. It's kinda embarrassing to share because it's very corny but a few friends of mine liked it and asked me to post it. Here you go. 

photo by: hiriell (http://hiriell.deviantart.com/art/hate-love-19249722)

Random Thoughts and Mixed Emotions..

So the Thesis Proposal Defense went well enough. We answered the first few questions but we faltered in some as well. The most embarrassing mistake we made was not being able to answer when we were asked who the proponent of the Feminist Legal Theory is. We should've seen that one coming. Oh, well. We passed. While it chagrins me to have to succumb to mediocrity, I couldn't help but feel relieved that we did not fail. I'm the kind of person who always likes to look on the bright side. We're very thankful that we got a very kind reader who was nice enough to give us some really useful pointers and our mentor was really cool, too. Our reader even noticed my "killer shoes". Haha.

We couldn't relax entirely though. Not yet anyways because we have some major revisions to make. Plus I still have that final exam in International Law on Friday. Just the thought of it makes me want to hyperventilate. 

=====

I am being bored out of my mind here at home. All my friends seem to be preoccupied with one thing or another. I want to go out but everyone seems busy. And I really don't feel like going out alone.  I'm thinking of taking Kiko out but I'm not sure where to go. Luneta? I don't feel comfortable going alone there at night. Makati? Hmm. I dunno. Speaking of Kiko, I just remembered that I want to take him to school tomorrow because I wanna get shots of the Christmas Lanterns and Twinkly Lights. They're really pretty. 

=====

I've had a very interesting week. Actually, the word interesting is a bit of an understatement. It's been very eventful. I've experienced a whirlwind of feelings that I can't even begin to fathom. I've done things that I've never done before without having really concrete explanations as to why I did them. I don't know what kind of person I am turning into. All I know so far is that I have no regrets and I don't think I ever will because I made conscious choices and I am prepared to take full responsibility for them. I think I am mature enough to handle that much at least. 

=====

I think I am in a fairly complicated situation right now. I like someone who loves someone else. I can't seem to find the strength to stay away from him because I really, truly like him a lot. Am I in love? Maybe my feelings aren't quite THAT strong yet, I guess, but they could evolve if I don't watch myself. I have to repress my feeling because I know that I am not his kind of girl and if I fall harder for him, it would only hurt so much more. So I'm just being a friend to him. I'm trying not to like him so much. Falling for him would be so easy. It would be exactly as effortless as falling down a cliff. While trying NOT to fall for him is the exact opposite. It's as hard as dragging yourself up a cliff face. So we're just friends. We're VERY weird friends. But still, that's what we are. 

=====

I am still very, very bored here at home. 

=====

Today is the birthday of one of my exes. I greeted him through a Friendster comment. Even if he didn't greet me on my birthday, I decided that I wouldn't be bitter about it so I wished him a happy birthday. That's when I found out that he has a new girlfriend. Surprisingly, I don't care. I was intrigued, of course. But you know what, it didn't even hurt. I just wish the girl plenty of luck and I sincerely hope that she keeps her sanity intact. I am expressing this with as very little sarcasm as I possibly could. *insert super big smiley here*

=====

I just saw my pre-final grade in International Law. It's good. It could be better but I won't complain anymore. I was hoping to make it to the First Honors Dean's List this term but I guess I can't but if I do well enough on the finals, I might just make it to Second Honors instead. *crosses fingers*

=====

I have long been intending to buy La Salle stickers to put on George. I finally found the time to get some today. The stickers look great on my laptop. I should've gotten them ages ago.

=====

I had dinner at Pizza Hut last night with Kei-An, Gene, and Grace. I'm not really very close with Gene and Grace but the four of us shared a table. They were nice. The Pizza Hut crew was exceptionally slow last night so we got back at them by writing scathing comments on the evaluation sheets. Well, they weren't really scathing, we were just being honest. The Roma Pizza is good, by the way. 

=====

*sigh*

Thesis It!!!

Me and my thesismate, Victoria, are about to defend out thesis at 10am. 

I am a nervous wreck right now.

The entire (I am exaggerating just a teeny little bit) Filipino Fellowship of the Vienna Christian Church is interceding for us.

I hope it all works.

I hope I don't get tongue-tied.

I hope my brain doesn't accidentally hibernate.

I hope we pass.

The name game..

*I got this from a former blockmate of mine. ^^,

1. YOUR REAL NAME: 
     Katarina Maria Gracia Antonio.


2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of your first name plus izzle)
     Katizzle (that's just weird...)


3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal)
     Orange Owl (niiiice :p)


4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name and street you live on)
     Batoon Ignacia (hahaha. ang sagwa..)


5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
     Antka (it really does sound out of this world :p)


6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink)
     Red Water (whatdaheck?!)


7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your Last name, 1st letter of  your last name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dad's name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name)
     Ataasja (this sounds more Dutch than Iraqi ;p)

 
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parent's middle names before marriage)
     Pascual Umanos (eh?)


9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
     Black Yuri (this sounds more anime than goth ;p)

Laughter is the best medicine..

* Tawanan na lang natin ang problema. Wala naman kasi mangyayari kung magmumukmok lang tayo. 

* I got this post from Patrixia. :)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days invegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! (there's actually some truth to this)

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.(WAAAHAHAHAH!) 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

And remember: 
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' 

AND...... 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

CONCLUSION 
Eat and drink what you like. 
Speaking English is apparently what kills you. 

 

Misunderstanding..

I guess I got it wrong. 

We don't have to stop communicating after all.

Thank, God.

It's better this way.

I don't care if he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him.

What matters is that he's there.

I still have my friend.

It's all that matters.

Bleeding..

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt. 

My brain is pounding.

My heart is racing.

I feel cold.

I can't breathe.

Everything hurts.

I can't really give a detailed description of everything that happened last night because, well, that's between him and me. And besides, someone might accidentally come across this blog. She'll probably kill me if she finds out.

I hate goodbyes.

Just when I was getting attached to a person, things take a turn for the worst and we have to stop communicating. The world sucks that way. 

I thought I had gained a better outlook on these kinds of things. I thought I was way past all this. But, here I am, hurt. Again. 

I am alone and I am scared. 

I am scared for him, too. Now that I'm not allowed to talk to him anymore, who's gonna cheer him up when he's sad about her? Who's gonna be his clown? 

I have some major readjustments to make.

For the past three weeks or so, the high point of my day was talking to him. He made me happy. He made me forget all my problems. I hope I did the same thing for him as well.

I am gonna miss him so much.

He has been a very good friend to me and that's not something that I am bound to forget anytime soon.

I feel so helpless right now. 

Everything sucks and there's nothing I can do about it but accept it.

Right now, the future looks a little bleak to me. Then again, maybe that's because my eyes are clouded with so much tears. 

Someday, my prince will come..

PDA: Public Display of Affection. We all know what this is, right?

PDA-ing couples are the bane of a single person's existence. I guess we're just bitter or whatever but when we see lovey-dovey couples doing mushy gushy stuff to each other, it makes us wanna gag. Which is, you know, terribly hypocritical since we ourselves used to be part of the Public Display of Physical Intimacy club. I guess we just can't bear the sight of happy couples when we're not as blissful as they are. In other words, we envy them. 

I mean, seriously, what did I miss? How can they have that kind of relationship when I can't? How are they making it work? All these questions pop into a singleton's mind when he/she sees couples looking goo goo eyes at each other. 

I got the inspiration to write this particular blog when I was watching the new Cinderella movie on the Disney Channel. They said a lot of things about loving a person for what he/she really is. Accepting someone despite all the flaws and imperfections, and that kind of stuff.. And that got me thinking.. 

What am I? 

This is not something that I am proud of but I have had two failed relationships in the span of just two years.

What went wrong?

Is it my fault?

Or theirs?

Do I turn into some kind of horrible monster when I fall in love?  

And so begins the long-winded rant.

What kind of person do I become when I fall in love?

These are all very mind-boggling questions and just the thought of them makes my head pound so I'm not even gonna attempt to try and answer them.

I realize that this is a very messy blog. My thoughts are incoherent and keep jumping from one point to another.

The short and short of it is..

I have got no point.

The intro is totally unrelated to the conclusion.

But whatever.

This is a free country.

I can write what I want when I want.

So..

Where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself?

Oh, yeah.

Love.

I look around me and I see all these happy couples. I used to be one of them and someday, I am hoping to become one of them again. Happy. And in love. Recently, I just made the decision to let go of a person whom I have loved for the longest time and I think it was one of the best things that I have done recently because it has been healthier for me. Emotionally, at least. But, alas, I have no more outlet for my feelings which is why it's all been backfiring and making me a little berserk. But still. I think I'm better now. 

I am the kind of person who loves with all her heart. I think this is what freaked my exes out. I expressed it too much. Or whatever. But isn't that the whole point of loving? Dedicating time and effort to the person who has your heart just to show them how much you love them? I understand that we each have our separate lives but shouldn't a substantial part of this be spent with the object of your affections? That's how I am. I love with all my heart. It's all I know. I never have and never will take anyone for granted. Pag nagmahal ako, isa sha sa mga priority sa buhay ko. Pag nagmahal ako, ipapakita ko talaga sa kanya na importante sha sakin. Pag nagmahal ako, hindi ko sha sasaktan. Pag nagmahal ako, gusto ko lagi shang masaya. Pag, nagmahal ako, totoo. Ayoko ng iwanan. Ayoko ng lokohan.

Is it too much to ask for a guy who would love me the exact same way that I love him? Who would show me the exact same care as I do for him? All I want is someone who will give me a hug when I need one. Someone who will never make me feel that I am worthless. Someone who will not care about distances. Someone who can make me laugh even when the whole world is falling into pieces all around me. Someone who will love me for me despite my imperfections, occasional weirdness, and over-all quirkiness. Someone who will give me flowers for no apparent reason. Someone who will tell me that he loves me just because he wants me to know. Someone who will not get irritated when I'm extra kulit. Someone who wouldn't mind that I'm selosa and who is a little seloso himself. Someone who is a little possessive. Someone who will laugh at my corny jokes. Someone God-fearing. Someone who will be afraid to lose me. Someone who will mean it when he says he will never break my heart. 

We all want the same thing, right? The right person. The right moment. I want to be optimistic and believe that someday, everything will fall into place and I will finally be genuinely, truly, happy.