WHY??!!

I’ve been trying to keep myself preoccupied. But nothing can distract me from the pain. I’ve cried and cried and cried and cried hoping that it will somehow make me feel better but it hasn’t been working so far. I feel so empty. I know “it’s just a cool off”. But I dunno. I feel incomplete. Strange, I know. He texted me this morning. He didn’t seem well, either. Or at least that’s how his attitude struck me. Tell me, why are we pushing through with this if it’s making the both us miserable? It just doesn’t make sense to me. How can I make him see that we don’t need to cool off to make this work? I know he’s concerned about me. About how unhappy I am with the way things have been going between us. But my happiness outweighs the unpleasantness. It does. Bloody hell, it really does. But this is a relationship between two people. I can’t just think about MY happiness. What about his? What if he’s no longer happy with me? Maybe that’s why he wanted this time off. But no. I know my boyfriend. He’s honest with me. He would’ve told me if he was unhappy. Oh, wait. He is unhappy. Because he thinks I don’t deserve the kind of time that he can offer me. He’s pressured, he says. But I don’t want to pressure him. I told him millions of times that I don’t mind. I don’t. I really, really, really, really don’t. Why can’t he just believe me and accept the fact that I’m willing to take that kind of sacrifice just to make this work? The sacrifice that we’re both making now is painful for the both of us. If we’re not “cooled off”, we’d both still be making sacrifices. Why can’t we just pick the latter? At least we’d both be better off. Forgive me if I find it hard to understand. I’ve just never gone through this before. It’s all new to me which is why I am at a loss.

To my friends: you guys have been great. Thank you for being there for me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Poignancy..

Why do I have to be such a cry baby? Really, I want to know. WHY?!! It irks me that I can't help but cry everytime I'm displeased about something. I cry when I'm about to come back to the Philippines after spending the summer in Europe; I cry when my parents fight; I cry when I'm homesick, stressed out, sad, and hurt. I hate crying. It gives me a headache and it makes my eyes go all red and puffy. No matter what my psychiatrist says about crying being a healthy outlet with which to express your frustrations, I still hate it.

So why did I cry tonight?

Because I was expecting us to spend time with each other. Of course, in our case, when I say spend time, I mean text nonstop or chat through Yahoo! Messenger. We chatted, alright. But it was just for an hour. He was at his friend's place. After an hour of our usual banter, he said he'd log out for a while so he could go back to his boarding house first then we could continue our little chat from the internet cafe near there. So I was expecting to spend some quality time with my boyfriend when he texted me to ask for my permission if he could go and watch a concert at UB with his friends. My cheeks warmed up when I read that text message. Why is it such a big deal, you may ask. Well it's just that he's been kinda busy for the past week that we haven't really had much chance to bond and stuff. I was hoping we could do some catching up this weekend but I had an ORIENT2 class the whole day and we can't do it tomorrow because he has to work on a plate. I am a VERY patient person and it takes A WHOLE LOT of slip-ups to infuriate me. That message was the last straw. It blew my lid off. I have been told countless times that I should not keep my emotions bottled up inside me. Se here they are, I am releasing them into the world wide web so that they may leave me in peace: I'm sad, angry, and hurt. Sad because I am all alone in this desolate dorm room: no roommates to joke around with because they all went home. My boyfriend used to keep me company during times like this. Of course, by "keeping company", I mean that he texts me until I fall asleep. That, at least, is a semblance of companionship. But tonight? Zip. Zilch. Nada. No text messages from anybody. Pathetic, I know. I'm such a loser. I feel so alone. I thought of calling up my friends to see if they're up for a spur of the moment Saturday night gimmick but then again I suppose they're busy as well. Everybody's busy these days. My parents hardly call me during weekdays because they're so wrapped up in their respective workplaces; my friends are so immersed in schoolwork that just the thought of distracting them makes me feel guilty; my boyfriend is in perpetual study mode; yaddah yaddah yaddah. I'm hurt because I feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with me as much as I want to with him. I don't know. Maybe I'm not that important to him after all. Ouch. Straight through the heart. That's excruciatingly painful. Uh-oh. I can feel my eyes welling up again. No. I won't cry. I WILL NOT CRY. I'm angry, too. I'm sorry but that's what I feel. I can't help it. It's just so...FRUSTRATING. I am at a loss once again. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Except cry.

But I won't anymore. I'm all cried out for tonight.

Here's what I'll do instead: get a good book, go to Starbucks, and drown my sorrows in a Venti Chocolate Cream Frapuccino.

Calories be damned.

Bleeding on the inside..

Random thoughts have been popping up in my head like they always do. The only difference is that, this time, each thought is tinged with fear. That's the problem with me: I think too much. It would be pure bliss just to be able to shut down my brain and stop contemplating about the littlest things that happen around me. It would be complete ecstasy just to be able to stop worrying about things that weren't meant to be worried about in the first place.

The past few days have been hurtful and confusing. It's been cold. I'm scared because I don't know why. I'm confused because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Things haven't been the same. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to make the fear go away. I've been crying because there's hurt at the pit of my stomach that's gone up all the way to my heart. I feel like there's poison inside me. How do I make it go away?

School feels like hell. My parents are putting so much pressure on me that I feel like I'm being choked. My friends are so busy with their lives that they could hardly be bothered to say hello. I will admit that I am spoiled but, forthe first time in my life, I feel like nothing's going my way. Sometimes I think things would be much easier if I just stopped breathing. But then I remember that God won't ever leave me. God never puts pressure on me. God alwayshas time for me. God never grows cold on me. God is always there. I think about these things and my tears stop flowing and I can breathe easily again. God is my source of strength during times like these. I think about all theblessings that I have and I start feeling better. I thank God for my family who, even though they're unconsciously torturing me, are always looking out for my welfare. I thank God that we can afford to send me to a kick-ass school.I thank God for my friends. And I thank God for my boyfriend who, eventhough he's been aloof for the past few days is trying his best to make things between us ok. I know he has his own problems right now and I understand that he needs time to think about certain things which is why I am willing to wait until things between us get back to normal. Whenever that will be. He's the only reason why I've been happy these past few weeks. Please don't take my reason away. I know that no relationship is perfect. Not everything is smoothly paved. You have to get through rough roads to be able to build a strong foundation.

I just wish things didn't have to hurt so much. I wish I could stop feeling even for just a moment so the turmoil raging inside of me would cease to exist.

A True Story..

Here's something that you don't see everyday:

Girl is standing inside her dorm room's utility room talking to her boyfriend on the phone when her roomate knocks on the door to tell her that the guard is looking for her. Girl is perplexed because she couldn't think of a reason why the guard would want to talk to her (except maybe to tell her that her father is on the phone or that her classmates are the gate or maybe to borrow her cellphone charger). So the girl walks down to the guard house (still talking to her boyfriend on the phone) and is surprised to find the guard giggling (yes giggling) and pointing to a package. Girl looks at the package and her eyes open wide because, written there in big bold letters is : From: JOHNRY CHUA (which happens to be her boyfriend's name), To: Girl's Full Name and Address. She starts "Oh-my-God-ing" on the phone and is speechless for quite some time. Her boyfriend feigns innocence and asks her what's going on. So she tells him. She starts jumuping up&down (the guard still giggling and teasing her about the package). She grabs the package and runs up to her room squealing (yes, that's the word) in delight. She takes a few moments to regain her composure and tears open the package. Inside she finds three stuffed toy dogs ( a large one, a medium sized one, and a small one). Keep in mind that her boyfriend is still on the phone with her. She hugs the dogs and jumps up and down once again. She looks inside the Blue Magic bag and finds a scroll inside. She hands the phone to her roommate because she needed some space to take in everything that was happening. She reads the letter. She cries. Her roommate hands the phone back to her because the call got disconnected. Her boyfriend calls again. She thanks him in between sobs. Her roommates read the letter and tell her that her hair is mahaba afterwards. She keeps crying. Her boyfriend keeps trying to pacify her. When she finally calms down, she thanks her boyfriend afterwards and teels him that she loves him. They talk mushy for a while and, when he finally puts down the phone, she reflects and is hit with the realization that she is indeed lucky to have him in her life.

Wait.

Why am I addressing myself in the 3rd person? Wala lang. I love you, Johnry. Thank you for that pleasant surprise. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how happy you made me. Well, actually you kind of do since I told you but still. You know what I mean.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I'll take good care of Johnry the 2nd, Kat Jr., and Moogle.

What's been happening...

So many things have happened since I last updated this that I could not possibly write everything down. But I'll try to.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2006:

I agreed to be Johnry's girlfriend. Those of you who know me well might be rolling your eyes at the fact that I have another boyfriend when it hasn't been that long since I broke up with the last one. Don't think I didn't contemplate on that before I got into this relationship because I did. I thought about it long and hard and, as you can see, I decided to take the plunge in the end. And you know what? I don't regret my decision. Johnry is a sweet, caring, funny, intelligent, thoughful, and loving person and I'm proud to call him my boyfriend.

SCHOOL:

It's been hell. I don't know if it's just me but I've been mentally and physicall exhausted for the past few days. INTROFI is killing me!!! It is a very intersting subject but the workload will push me to an early grave. Still trying to work hard for it, though, because I don't want to fail that subject. Apart from that, I am having no trouble with my other majors. INPRINT, INTRORE, and INBROAD could be boring at times but they're very informative. FILIPI3 is FILIPI3. It is a constant test of my Tagalog communication skills. GENDERS is undoubtedly my favorite subject for this term. I get culture shock every once in a while (who am I kidding? I get shocked almost every meeting) but the course is FUN, FUN, FUN. Mostly because I learn a lot of interesting info and we get to talk about topics that are normally considered as taboo (sex, homosexuality, blah,blah,blah). Don't get me wrong, I am not a green minded person, it's just that it's refreshing to be able to voice out your concerns/opinions about those kinds of topics without fearing judgment.

LOSING WEIGHT

They don't call it a DIE-et for nothing. I miss eating good, calorie-loaded foods like maltesers, oreos, animo sour cream flavored mojos (w/ the garlic mayo dip), gonuts donuts, adobo, longganisa, bacon, eggs, green chippy, binagoongan, kare-kare, pizza, burgers, french fries, hash brown, blahblahblah. I am stuck with wheatbread and bananas. Grrr.

What else?

My brain is, once again, cluttered with so many thoughts that they seem to be bouncing off each other so that I cannot comprehend what each is trying to communciate. I am, in other words, going bonkers (again, i know..hehe). I am frustrated with schoolwork but I am happy with my love life and everything else that I'm supposed to be happy about.

I turned legal yesterday..

That's right, I am no longer seventeen. Yesterday was my 18th birthday. In other words, I am now legal. I had a lot fun yesterday. Kris, Char, and I pigged out on Yellow Cab pizza, hot wings, and meatball spaghetti. Trix and I watched Calalily's U-break performance (may i just say that Kean is HOT..haha). I had kare-kare for dinner. My roommates surprised me with a triple chocolate roll. All in all, it was a pretty good birthday.

Although I still can't believe that, despite my lack of emotional maturity, I am now considered as and adult. A young one, but still. I no longer need to get a travel permit whenever I leave the country; I can go the Austrian embassy without a legal guardian now; I can get married if I want to (not that I plan on doing this anytime soon. I 'm just astounded by the fact that I CAN); I can drink legally (not that I do this often); I can watch R-18 movies (just in case they're required for class or whatever); I can go to jail for crimes against the nation (WTF?!?!); blahblahblah. What I'm really trying to say is that I'll miss being a child. People tend to expect less from young children and I will miss this kind of freedom. Now that I'm eighteen, I am fairly certain that those around me would want me to act like a grown up now. I'd hate to disappoint them but I think I won't be able to do it. Act all mature, I mean. Not now anyways. Someday, for sure. But not anytime soon. I have every intention of enjoying what's left of my teenage years.

No, it hasn't been much fun at all since you've been gone..

Whenever I feel frustrated because things aren't going my way, only five things can make me feel better:

1. Praying.

2. Talking to my parents.

3. Talking to my friends.

4. Shopping.

5. Cleaning.

Talking to God always helps. You should try it sometime.

My mom and my dad are huge influences in my life. Although I technically didn't grow up with them, their practical way of looking at things and their non-verbal but constant reassurances of unconditional love never fail to soothe my frazzled nerves. Yes, I am almost eighteen years old but I still run to my mommy and my daddy when I have a "booboo".

My friends are amazing. I can talk to them about anything without having to worry about what they think of me because they accept me for who I am. I wouldn't trade any of them for all the Maltesers in the world.

Shopping is a no-fail therapy. It never fails to make me happy.

Cleaning helps because I firmly believe that if I can't organize my life then I can at least organize my surroundings. My favorite chores are ironing clothes and washing the dishes. Vacuuming and mopping the floors, too. Of course, I don't get to do those often because I have someone who irons for me and we have cleaning ladies at the dorm who take care of the floors for us. So I focus my attention on my closets: classifying my clothes according to color and use (pang bahay, pang alis, corporate, you get the gist.); arranging my magazines according to the issue dates; piling up my books according to their authors; re-arranging my shoes; and so on. Cleaning helps me forget that I have other problems because, I focus on whatever task is at hand.

It's pure bliss because I forget, even for just a while, that I live in the real world and that it tends to suck from time to time.