Cupid, You and I need to Discuss Your Aim

Disclaimer: I got the title from a FaceBook Page which I became a fan of.

I hope I find someone who, unlike you, will be scared to lose me.

I hope I will find someone who can love me the way I love you.

I guess I'm beginning to accept that it's not you.

It's probably not you.

Because you're driving me crazy.

And not in a good way.

Shout Out

I attended the 9th Annual MetroCon held at the University of Rizal System in Tanay, Rizal. The event was entitled: Shout Out.

And here's mine.

Here's the summary of the whole story:

Slightly more than a year ago today, I met a boy.
He and I grew close.
I fell in love with him.
He didn't feel the same way and although we never officially became a couple, he and I were always more than just friends.
I was happy.
I broke a lot of rules but I didn't give a rat's ass because I was so so sooo happy.

Almost 2 months ago, that boy broke my heart.
It was with a broken heart and a broken spirit that I attended the YFC-TIP Manila Youth Camp.
The Camp made me feel better about the circumstances but I'm still broken.
I'm not sure if I can ever be whole again.

You wanna know what's ironic?
The boy who broke my heart is the same boy who comforts me whenever I feel awful.
Just this morning, I was crying when he hugged me and told me to be strong.
He kissed me on both cheeks and told me that I'll get through this.

Lord, I hope he's right.

Please, help me move on. Help me get better. Help me let go. So I can be as good a friend to him as he is to me.

This is my shout out.

Make a Smilebox photobook

Broken Girl

I want to scream until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson

I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep

So I don't have to make a bad impression

I need to start to be myself

'Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down

It's here

And now I'm breaking out

I will learn to love again

But I will stand a broken man

I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me

I wanna take back all the shit that I have done

But I guess you were better off without me

I need to start to be myself

'Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down

It's here and now

I'm breaking out

I will learn to love again

But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away

And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say

I'm always too late

You never got your story straight

I'm always up late

I think I'm everything you hate

I won't let you bring me down

It's here and now

I'm breaking out

I will learn to love again

But I will stand a broken man

(Broken Man by Boys Like Girls)

I can't stop listening to this song. One day I will wake up and I will be okay. I will stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. I will be happy.I just cling to the hope that there is someone out there who is meant to love me the way I deserve to be loved.

Crushed

For the past 11 months my life feels like it's been hurtling towards a goal at about 150km/hour. Everything besides my goal were mere blurs. And then something happened. I crashed. Came to an abrupt halt. And instead of a quick, painless, death, I was left alive to suffer the consequences of my actions.

photo from: http://rainkira.deviantart.com/art/Crushed-41179883

Sometimes, not having an umbrella has its benefits...

I hate it when it rains. Which is too bad for me because I live in a tropical country where it practically rains about half of the year and sometimes even during the dry season. I know a lot of people who don't mind the precipitation because it gets quite cold in an otherwise humid city and I must say that I see what they mean but this doesn't change the way I feel about rain. Here are some reasons why I loathe the rainy season:

1. I don't like it when my feet get wet in flood water.

2. I'm very paranoid about Leptospirosis.

3. I don't like bringing an umbrella.

4. You wouldn't think that Manila traffic could get any worse but during heavy rainfall, that's exactly what happens.

5. I don't like the general gloominess of the atmosphere when it rains, it's very conducive for depression.

But something happened last night that made me like rain a lot more than I usually do. I attended a friend's birthday party in Bulacan and when it was time to go home, it was raining cats and dogs. My friend, the birthday celebrant, had an umbrella but it wasn't big enough to cover both of us so we ended up getting soaked anyway. It was a pretty long walk from his house to the tricycle stop. I was grumbling the whole time because I was ankle deep in floodwater and my shirt was wet and I was getting cold because it was really windy, too. At the same time, I was really worried about him because I didn't want him to get sick or anything like that. The rain was turning torrential and no tricycle was in sight. Suffice it to say that I was in a sour mood. But one little moment made me feel better about the whole situation While we were waiting for a tricycle, he put his arm around me so that we could kip under the little umbrella. So there we were, in the middle of an empty street, huddled under a small umbrella while water poured as if from a waterfall all around us. Right then and there, my bad mood went away. I wished it would take hours for the tricycle to get there so we could stay like that for a long time. It was such a sweet gesture that I was taken off guard. My friend, who was usually brusque when it comes to me, was being really nice to me. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy but things like that weren't something that happened often so I think that memory will be lodged in my head for a while. It's not somehing that I'm likely to forget because of the rush of feelings that I experienced at that time. Just when I felt like I was about to give up on him, he goes and does something like that. It gave me hope. The rain turned out to be a blessing after all.

And that is why sometimes, not having a umbrella has its benefits.

photo from: http://Peach-melba.deviantart.com/art/Umbrella-20280249

Mahal ko talaga siya.

Mahal na mahal.

Sorry, wala na kong mapaglabasan ng sama ng loob.

Ang bigat bigat lang talaga ng pakiramdam ko.

Ang hirap pala talagang magmahal ng taong hindi ka gusto.

Feeling ko tuloy ang laki ng diperensya ko.

Ewan ko ba.

Napakaiyakin ko talaga.

Pag gising, iyak.

Bago matulog, iyak.

Hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong gawin.

Hindi ko siya kayang layuan kasi sa maikling panahon na nakilala ko siya, naging napakahalagang bahagi na niya ng buhay ko.

Hindi ko na alam kung san ako lulugar.

Ano sa Tagalog ang Optimistic?

Ang daming kong gustong sabihin. Pero wala akong maisulat. Lately, parang ang gulo ng buhay ko. Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na lahat ng gusto eh nakukuha. Oo, spoiled ako. Aminado naman ako eh. Ito siguro ang dahilan kung bakit madali akong madisappoint. Mataas kasi ang expectations ko sa maraming bagay. Sa school. Sa bahay. Sa pamilya. Pati nga yata sa sa lovelife. These past few months, parang bumaliktad ang mundo ko. Lahat na lang ng gusto ko, di ko nakukuha. Nakakapanibago. Pero wala naman akong magawa. Ngayon ko lang naranasan 'to, sa totoo lang. So medyo nahihirapan akong mag adjust. Pero unti-unti na kong nasasanay at natututo na hindi lahat ng gusto ko eh madaling kunin o maabot. Minsan, kailangan paghirapan ang mga bagay na gusto mo para pag nakuha mo na 'to, mas may sense of achievement ka. Kahit di ako sanay sa ganito, hindi naman ako yung tipo ng tao na madaling mag give up. Optimistic ako eh. Kahit nagkakanda leche leche na ang buhay ko, ngingiti at ngingiti lang ako dahil naniniwala ako na may pag-asa pa.

Craptastic

I really don't know what's gonna happen next. I am only twenty years old but I have long learned that life's twists and turns are not something that could easily be figured out. So I just sit and wait. It's boring and it's driving me crazy but what else is there to do anyway? Schoolwork can't really distract me now that things are about to come to a close. Nothing is substantial enough to claim my attention for longer than a few fleeting minutes. So I sit and I wait and I think. Sometimes I think too much. And the thinking drives me crazy. I want to just go with the flow. But things could never be that easy. I feel like time is passing so slowly yet at the same time I feel like I'm running out of time. So much has been happening. It's all so confusing. When we were kids, we relied on grown-ups to tell us what to do. When we started growing up and developing minds of our own, we started resenting them for it. But now, wouldn't it be nice if someone could just tell me, step by step what I'm supposed to be doing to get my life back on the right track? I am so lost. I hardly know what I'm doing these days. I feel like a completely different person. Sometimes I wish I could be fifteen years younger. I just wanna be a kid again. Everything used to be so easy. But now, 'easy' is a luxury. I seem to run into speed bump after speed bump of disappointments. I know I'm nothing special. I'm just your everyday, average girl with everyday, average dreams. I just want to be happy. But happiness is an elusive little thing. I can never seem to catch it. I try to stay optimistic but the world just keeps pushing me down. I'm getting tired of it, really. It's exhausting to pretend that everything's ok when on the inside, I feel like my soul is dying. 

Addicted

I have too much free time on my hands. I've made about three of these on CS2 ever since I learned how. So far, this one's my favorite. ^^

Three words: asa pa ko.

We were sitting on his bed.

We've done this a dozen times before but this time it was different.

Something has changed.

It was a good change.

The atmosphere was light.

It was like all the heartache and pain from the previous months were just a figment of our imagination.

He was happy.

I was happy.

We were happy together.

He had his arms around me and he was hugging me tight.

He's hugged me before but this was a different kind of hug.

It was better.

It was as if he never wanted to let me go.

I liked that.

And I was hugging him back.

I love the fact that he's so huggable.

We were just sitting on his bed, hugging.

The world could have imploded around us and we wouldn't have cared.

Nothing else mattered except him and me.

We were content with just being with and holding each other.

I looked up at him and I smiled.

He smiled back.

He tilted my chin up and pulled my lips towards his.

He has kissed me before but this kiss was different.

It's as if it was our first.

It was sweet and gentle and passionate at the same time.

I never wanted it to end.

Neither did he.

It was a kiss between two people who had a deep and meanigful connection.

It was a kiss between two people who loved each other.

Yes, I finally realized what made it all so different.

I used to be the only one who harbored these kinds of feelings toward him.

I used to be the only one who loved him.

And now, he loved me back.

I was happy because he was happy.

I took pride in being the one who healed his broken heart.

He was no longer depressed and angry and bitter.

He was content.

Because of me.

I couldn't believe my luck.

After all the waiting and the crying and the longing, I finally got my wish.

He was finally mine.

And I was his.

It was the best moment of my life...

And then I woke up.

Lecheng alarm clock yan!

Ano ba talaga?

It's the third day of February already. June is drawing nearer and nearer. In just four short months, I'll be a bachelor's degree holder. Four months! That's sixteen weeks. A hundred and twenty days, more or less. I should be deciding what I want to do after graduation right about now. I wrote this on my planner last Monday: 

"I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. ... I'm still not sure what I want to do after school. OPTION 1: Leave the country to go and study at the University of Vienna. OPTION 2: Stay here and earn my Masters degree at the University of the Philippines instead. OPTION 3: There is no option 3. Not yet anyways. At least not as good as the first two."

Both options are really good. For me, at least. But both come with their own consequences, of course. C'est la vie, as usual. 

I want to take up "deutschen Sprache als einer fremden/zweiten Sprache" (translation: German as a foreign/second language) for my Masters at the University of Vienna. If I do that, I'll be with my mom, dad, and brother. I'll be with my family. We'll be complete. I've been waiting for this for a decade now, more or less. I'll be home. I've never lived in Austria for more than two and a half months but when I'm there, I feel at peace. It's like I have no worries when I'm under my parents' roof. I feel that I am home, so to speak. I could live and study in a very interesting and beautiful place. But when I think about leaving the Philippines, which has been my home for twenty years now, it makes me feel sad. I've noticed that whenever I leave the country for more than two weeks, I get really homesick. What more if I leave it for good? 

When I think about leaving my relatives here, the aunts and uncles who have helped raise me, my cousins who have treated me like a sibling, my grandmother; my friends; and everybody else I love, it makes me feel even more awful. I've gotten so accustomed to living here that I can't imagine how I'm gonna start to live a new life. No more commuting in jeepneys. No more pollution. No more ipis. No more traffic. I won't have trouble adapting, I guess, but I will miss everything that has been a part of my daily routine here. Probably not the traffic and certainly not the ipis, but everything else. Austria is such a gloomy country compared to the Philippines. I'm gonna miss the noise and the friendliness and the hospitality. I'm gonna miss Jollibee! Walang Jolllibee sa Europe! So the alternative choice for me would be to take up MA in German at UP. 

But...

I've been so lonely here lately that I sometimes think that leaving might be a good idea after all.. To start over. To leave behind everything and every person and every memory that has hurt me here is tempting. To go so far away and start anew might actually make me feel better. Sometimes, I get bored with the monotony of my life here. Maybe it's time for some drastic changes. 

You can see how I'm having a hard time deciding. Every pro has a corresponding con and vice versa. I guess I could delay the decision-making for a little while longer but there's no denying the fact I have to decide on it eventually. The future's looming close and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Born to Love

I have a good life. I have a nice family. I have awesome friends. I go to a really good school. I'm doing well enough at that said school. Material-wise, I am very blessed as well. My mom and dad are very hard working people which is why I have an above-average allowance. I get whatever I want. Most of the time anyways. All I have to do is ask. Yes, I'm spoiled. But I am not a brat.

So why is it that, when I wake up every morning, I feel like there's this huge void in my life? It's as if I am neglecting something that I am supposed to be doing. I try and try to distract myself with other things likes chores or schoolwork or with my hobbies or by going out with friends but the void remains. It's like that antacid commercial: there's a big gaping hole in my gut and it's constantly demanding attention. 

I've spent countless times contemplating about this strange void and, after a while, I finally realized what it is. I know what I'm missing.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 months. I miss that. Knowing that you have someone who loves you the same way you love him is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't necessarily miss the person. I just miss the feeling. I know I shouldn't need a boyfriend to complete my life but I think I am one of the people who were born to love. And I was born to love seriously. I miss taking care of someone the way you're supposed to take care of a boyfriend. And I miss having someone take care of me that way. It just gives me a sense of security and comfort. Isn't it nice to know that, despite all of the shitty things that happen in your life, there will always be someone there who will make it all better? I want that. I want it again. Knowing that there's someone who loves you despite all your imperfections gives you confidence in yourself. Confident people give off this really happy aura. That's why we 'glow' when we're in a healthy relationship. 

Some guys have expressed interest. It's flattering, really. Thanks but no thanks, though. It wouldn't have worked out. I just knew it. Girls have an intution for this kind of thing. And I've experienced enough heartache to know that going against your intuition would come back and bite you on the ass. I know it's not easy to get turned down. I've experienced rejection, too. So I'm really sorry for having been the one to break your hearts. I didn't mean to. And besides, karma got to me. I fell in love with someone who will probably never see me as more than a friend. I fell fast. I fell hard. I guess I misinterpreted his actions. I though he might like me too but I was wrong. Intution could be wrong, too. But, dammit, I just like him so much. He's exactly the kind of guy I could see myself being with. Unfortunately, I'm not his kind of girl. I've never really asked what his kind of girl is. I'm too chicken to hear the answer. Besides, I think I know anyway. It would just hurt so much more to hear it. But I wish I could have been given the chance. I want to make him happy and to take care of him and all that stuff but I'm not allowed to. We have boundaries. I hate pining for someone. It's such a waste of time but it can't be helped, can it? 

Anyhoo, I really hope I get over him soon. I love him but I can't tell him or show him as much as I want to because it would just be too weird, I guess. So pinipigilan ko na lang sarili ko. And one day, I will wake up and hopefully feel better about all of this. 

Someday, I'll meet someone who will make the sadness and emptiness go away. Hopefully, permanently. 

Off the top of my head

I just feel like writing. I know I posted something before this just a few minutes ago but that was just a repost so it doesn't really count. I don't really have a specific topic in mind. These are just random ramblings. Bear with me here. 

So.. We've been packing like crazy for the past few days because we're about to move to Victoria Towers this coming Saturday. Since the condo is a fairly tiny place, it will barely fit all of us so we have to send most of our stuff back home to San Jose. Some of the stuff, we decided to give away because they're just useless clutter. This is when I affirmed the fact that I really do have separation issues. It pained me to give away clothes even when I wasn't using them anymore. Some of them had sentimental value so it was very hard to part with them. I gave away at least two boxes full of clothes. Just imagine how hard it was for me to sort through my things and decide which ones to keep. I mean, I like all of my stuff, that's why I own them, isn't it? The same thing happened with shoes. I gave away a box full of footwear. I am fond of each and every pair of those shoes but I had to give them away because they simply didn't have space anymore. I also gave away bags and various other items that we're strangely hard for me to part with. I easily get attached to things. That's why letting go is so hard for me. But there. We gotta learn, I suppose..

I simply refused to give up my books. Over my dead body are they gonna give away my books! Probably not even then because my cold corpse shall be clutching those books with all its might. They don't have space in the condo so I opted to send them home to San Jose. Which is still pretty painful for me because I am very very very fond of my books. I mean, how can I not be? They are my form of escape when the world starts to suck from time to time. 

I still have a few boxes of clothes left and I am trying to figure out how to sneak them into the condo without my tita noticing. *insert evil laugh here* In my defense, these are the clothes that I use all the time. Well, most of them anyways. Some of them I just really can't let go because my mom or other important people gave them to me. 

And then there are the little things which I am quite certain are classified as trash but I just don't have the heart to throw them away because they symbolize significant moments/memories for me. Like this teeny little shell that I got when I was in Italy. I was walking on the beach in Lignano when I decided to just pick up a random shell. I clearly remember that moment because it was the last time when I felt completely at peace. I didn't have love-related problems. School-related conflicts. I didn't have any problems, period. I was happy. I was content. That was the last time I remember feeling like that and the little shell is a reminder of it so I just can't throw it away. And then there's this pseudo-birthday banner that my Resi roomies made for me on my 18th birthday. It's just crayon on short bond paper but I can't throw it away because my former roomies were like my college family for the two years that we were together and the banner is a reminder of how lucky I am to have met really nice people like them. 

These are the kinds of things that I think about when I sort through my things which is why, like I said about a gazillion times already in this blog entry, it is not easy for me to throw things away. 

I have separation issues.

Think about it..

*I got this from a schoolmate who got it from a friend. Anyways, I didn't write it. I just reposted it because I think it makes sense.. 

This might give you things to ponder about. ^^,

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who takes your breath away?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you breathe easier when times get rough...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person you stay up all night thinking about?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to sleep easier knowing that they are in your life...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who completes you?

- but rather, it's the person who makes you feel whole and able to be who you are when you're by yourself...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who sweeps you off your feet?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to stay grounded, focused and determined to do the things you set out to do...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who totally understands you and knows everything about you?

- but rather, it's the person who sees things that you don't and spends the time to try to get to know more of you...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the one who brings out the best in you?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to discover the things about yourself that you need to change...

What if "the one" isn't the person who gives you butterflies, or makes you feel all tingly on the inside?

- but rather, it's the person who gives you comfort when you need it and makes you feel safe on the outside...

What if "the one" isn't the person you've been waiting for all your life?

- but rather, it's the person that's been waiting for YOU all your life...

--Ptr. King

My Christmas Wish List

Exchange gifts namin ng college barkada ko sa Friday. Traditionally, we write wish lists so that we all know what to get each other. And here's mine. I've grouped them according to Price Range.

Realistic (The things that I am most likely to get..)

1. Books (ANY of the following. pwede rin ALL if you like. haha)

a. The Tales of Beedle the Bard by JK Rowling

b. What My Mother Doesn't Know by Sonya Sones

c. Stop in the Name of Pants! by Louise Rennison

d. The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami

2. American Boulevard shirt (XL po ako)

3. BIG Pillow (dahil walang ka-hug this Christmas. huhu)

4. Hoodie (preferably Purple)

5. Twilight Soundtrack (some of the songs are nice. yung iba ngekngok. kasya ba 'to budget? i'm not sure. hehe. bahala na.)

6. Owls (collection ko po ito. kahit ano basta owl. stuffed toy. keychain. pillow. basta may owl. hehe)

Semi-Relistic (The things that I might posssibly get..)

1. Havaianas (size 37-38, flats lang po, i don't like the ones with heels.)

2. Chucks (I want Purple or Orange, size 5)

3. Red Mary Janes from Crocs (size 6-7)

4. killer heels from Nine West, red or purple or black (di ko sha isusuot, titignan ko lang. haha)

5. A dress from Kamiseta (preferably purple or red. size:XS. oo XS. di ka nagkakamali ng basa, XS talaga yan. haha. they have big sizes eh.)

6. Red PSP (nawawala lahat ng PSP dito sa bahay. namimiss ko na maglaro ng Tekken at Virtual Tennis)

7. 32GB iPod touch

Absurd (The things that I could get but would cost too much..)

1. Roundtrip Ticket to Austria

2. Roundtrip Ticket to the US

3. Roundtrip Ticket to Hong Kong

4. Roundtrip Ticket to Singapore

gusto ko umalis. kahit sandali lang.

Impossible (The things that I shouldn't even be asking for in a Christmas wishlist)

1. Nikon d700

2. Porsche 911 Turbo. Yellow, please.

3. Mitsubishi Eclipse GT. Red naman.

4. World Peace

Priceless (Nevermind all the things I said. Ito na lang ibigay nio sakin.)

Matinong boyfriend.

Yun lang.

Matino.

Di mang-iiwan.

Di mananakit.

Di magpapaiyak.

I could have all the material things in the world but none of them would matter. Money can't buy happiness. "Everything means nothing if I ain't got you" ang drama. Oh, diba.

Advanced Merry Christmas y'all. 

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

³ If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

⁵ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

¹⁰ but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

¹² Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Ten Things I Hate About Love

Sure, there are lots of things to like about love. But, unfortunately, while there may be a positive side to everything, there's also the negative face. Here's a list of the top ten things that we love to hate about love.

Ten:

The way it can make you do crazy things. Whether it's something as outrageous as getting your special someone's name tatooed on your hiney or stalking the object of your affections, there's no doubt that love can loosen a few screws in your head. 

Nine:

The way it can make you feel different emotions all at the same time. Have you ever felt elated, anxious, enraged, blissful, empty, and fulfilled all in the span of five minutes? No? Then you've never been in love. 

Eight:

All the irritating butterflies in your stomach. Falling in love has a way of suddenly turning your tummy into the world's largest butterfly house. All those critters in there, so to speak, just give you that sickening feeling that kind of makes you wanna hurl. Now who would want that?

Seven:

The way it can put you in a daze. Recall those moments when you get that glazed look in your eyes and you just phase out and slip into "the zone" because you're thinking of the love of your life. Not only does it embarrass you when people gawk at you because you look stoned, it makes you look stupid too.

Six:

The way it can make you forget some of the important people in your life. The moment you and your beloved hook up, you start living in a different dimension. You start blowing off gimmicks with friends, skipping on Sunday lunch with relatives, missing your fave shows, the list goes on and on and on. Spending time with your sweetie is all good and well but don't shunt aside all the people who have been with you through thick and thin way before your sweetheart entered the scene. 

Five:

The way it can make you stupid. When you are in love, your IQ has a tendency of dropping from genius to a few notches below average. It sort of burns all your neurons, consuming them 'til they're nothing but wisps of smoke so that your usual bitingly witty self is reduced to speaking gibberish when the object of your affections is anywhere within a 5-mile radius of you. 

Four:

The way it can make you blind. Everyone knows this cliche. Love has a way of making you want to shield yourself from the truth as long as you remain in your happy little world wherein lovers don't cheat on each other, no one lies, no one gets hurt, and everyone is ridiculously merry. Two words for you: wake up! Sure the truth can suck but the more you deny it, the more you will get hurt when you finally decide to stop pretending and start seeing the ugly, naked truth that it's impossible to love and not get hurt in the process.

Three:

The way it can make you lose so much sleep. We need eight hours of sleep a day. Sadly, we lose about half of it (if not more) whenever we ponder on thoughts concerning "the one". When we finally succumb to sleep and manage four hours worth of slumber, we wake up in the morning with a colossal headache, baggy aching eyes, and grouchiness that could add a few wrinkles to our already creased faces. It's not exactly what one could call refreshing. 

Two:

The way it can make you cry. Whether it's crying tears of joy or wallowing in a puddle of grief, your beloved consumes about half of your whole's life supply of tears. And crying for whatever reason never fails to make anyone's eyes look all red and puffy. Not very attractive, is it?

One:

The thing that I hate the most about love is that it can break your heart. We're talking about almost literally ripping out someone's full-sized aortic pump out of their chest, hurling it across the room, and then stomping all over it wearing shoes that were made for climbing ice walls (you know, the ones with the sharp little spikes). Allowing yourself to fall in love is setting yourself up to get hurt in some way. It's kind of masochistic actually. At one episode of your life, you will love and lose.

Like I've said before, love is not all milk and honey. It also has ampalaya moments. Getting hurt, getting that feeling that just makes you want to hurl is all part of it. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not suggesting abstaining from love or something like that. These are just things to watch out for when your moment finally comes. If you think you're ready to actually take your own dosage of luuurve, you should be prepared to tackle its side effects. 

* NOTE: I wrote this when I was in high school. It's so cheesy which is why I find it absolutely hilarious now. It's kinda embarrassing to share because it's very corny but a few friends of mine liked it and asked me to post it. Here you go. 

photo by: hiriell (http://hiriell.deviantart.com/art/hate-love-19249722)

Random Thoughts and Mixed Emotions..

So the Thesis Proposal Defense went well enough. We answered the first few questions but we faltered in some as well. The most embarrassing mistake we made was not being able to answer when we were asked who the proponent of the Feminist Legal Theory is. We should've seen that one coming. Oh, well. We passed. While it chagrins me to have to succumb to mediocrity, I couldn't help but feel relieved that we did not fail. I'm the kind of person who always likes to look on the bright side. We're very thankful that we got a very kind reader who was nice enough to give us some really useful pointers and our mentor was really cool, too. Our reader even noticed my "killer shoes". Haha.

We couldn't relax entirely though. Not yet anyways because we have some major revisions to make. Plus I still have that final exam in International Law on Friday. Just the thought of it makes me want to hyperventilate. 

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I am being bored out of my mind here at home. All my friends seem to be preoccupied with one thing or another. I want to go out but everyone seems busy. And I really don't feel like going out alone.  I'm thinking of taking Kiko out but I'm not sure where to go. Luneta? I don't feel comfortable going alone there at night. Makati? Hmm. I dunno. Speaking of Kiko, I just remembered that I want to take him to school tomorrow because I wanna get shots of the Christmas Lanterns and Twinkly Lights. They're really pretty. 

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I've had a very interesting week. Actually, the word interesting is a bit of an understatement. It's been very eventful. I've experienced a whirlwind of feelings that I can't even begin to fathom. I've done things that I've never done before without having really concrete explanations as to why I did them. I don't know what kind of person I am turning into. All I know so far is that I have no regrets and I don't think I ever will because I made conscious choices and I am prepared to take full responsibility for them. I think I am mature enough to handle that much at least. 

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I think I am in a fairly complicated situation right now. I like someone who loves someone else. I can't seem to find the strength to stay away from him because I really, truly like him a lot. Am I in love? Maybe my feelings aren't quite THAT strong yet, I guess, but they could evolve if I don't watch myself. I have to repress my feeling because I know that I am not his kind of girl and if I fall harder for him, it would only hurt so much more. So I'm just being a friend to him. I'm trying not to like him so much. Falling for him would be so easy. It would be exactly as effortless as falling down a cliff. While trying NOT to fall for him is the exact opposite. It's as hard as dragging yourself up a cliff face. So we're just friends. We're VERY weird friends. But still, that's what we are. 

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I am still very, very bored here at home. 

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Today is the birthday of one of my exes. I greeted him through a Friendster comment. Even if he didn't greet me on my birthday, I decided that I wouldn't be bitter about it so I wished him a happy birthday. That's when I found out that he has a new girlfriend. Surprisingly, I don't care. I was intrigued, of course. But you know what, it didn't even hurt. I just wish the girl plenty of luck and I sincerely hope that she keeps her sanity intact. I am expressing this with as very little sarcasm as I possibly could. *insert super big smiley here*

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I just saw my pre-final grade in International Law. It's good. It could be better but I won't complain anymore. I was hoping to make it to the First Honors Dean's List this term but I guess I can't but if I do well enough on the finals, I might just make it to Second Honors instead. *crosses fingers*

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I have long been intending to buy La Salle stickers to put on George. I finally found the time to get some today. The stickers look great on my laptop. I should've gotten them ages ago.

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I had dinner at Pizza Hut last night with Kei-An, Gene, and Grace. I'm not really very close with Gene and Grace but the four of us shared a table. They were nice. The Pizza Hut crew was exceptionally slow last night so we got back at them by writing scathing comments on the evaluation sheets. Well, they weren't really scathing, we were just being honest. The Roma Pizza is good, by the way. 

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*sigh*

Thesis It!!!

Me and my thesismate, Victoria, are about to defend out thesis at 10am. 

I am a nervous wreck right now.

The entire (I am exaggerating just a teeny little bit) Filipino Fellowship of the Vienna Christian Church is interceding for us.

I hope it all works.

I hope I don't get tongue-tied.

I hope my brain doesn't accidentally hibernate.

I hope we pass.