The Photo Essay..

M206.

FOTOCAM.

Ms. Saulo asked each of us to tell the her the concept of our photo essay which is our final project for her class. I didn't want to say mine out loud because I knew how my friends were going to react. It was hilarious. Haha.

My photo essay is about a person whose heart has been broken because her significant other broke up with her. She deals with her heartache by going to the places that she and her ex beau used to visit. These are beautiful locations that once symbolized something special for her but are now just sad reminders of past happiness.

If you know me well, this might sound familliar to you.

Well the prof did tell us to pick something that was close to our hearts.

I just did that.

I have a pretty vague idea as to how I'm going to execute it though.

Hmmm.

Song of the Moment

"How've you been?"

A lot of people have been asking me this lately. I don't know why. I guess I look like someone who doesn't have a very positive answer to this question. Although, when asked, I usually just shrug my shoulders and say that I'm ok. Which is waaaay far from what I am. Cause I am not at all ok. Not even close. It bothers me that I am having hard time achieving closure when it's been, in fact, more than two months since he broke up with me. But that's exactly what's happening. He's still my first thought in the morning and my last at night. I shouldn't, I know, torture myself by replaying everything that we went through together in my head. But I can't help it. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me. Am I just not worth fighting for? I hate it, really. I wish I would wake up with permanent amnesia and forget that anything happened at all. Yeah, right. Like it could be that easy. When has life ever been fair.

You know what hurts the most? It's like he doesn't even know me anymore. He apologized for throwing the cliche "I hope we could be friends" when he ended things. We all know those things never work, right? But, guess what? I believed in him. Again. I really thought he and I could be friends. But that, apprently, isn't even possible. I'm like a stranger to him now.

I'm a good person, dammit, I don't deserve this.

I miss him so much.

So much.

So much that it hurts like hell.

But whatever.

He doesn't care anymore.

Whatever.

Behind These Hazel Eyes is my song of the moment. Check out the lyrics and figure out for yourself why.

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tigh

tEverything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I don't have hazel eyes, of course, but you get my drift.

WHY??!!

I’ve been trying to keep myself preoccupied. But nothing can distract me from the pain. I’ve cried and cried and cried and cried hoping that it will somehow make me feel better but it hasn’t been working so far. I feel so empty. I know “it’s just a cool off”. But I dunno. I feel incomplete. Strange, I know. He texted me this morning. He didn’t seem well, either. Or at least that’s how his attitude struck me. Tell me, why are we pushing through with this if it’s making the both us miserable? It just doesn’t make sense to me. How can I make him see that we don’t need to cool off to make this work? I know he’s concerned about me. About how unhappy I am with the way things have been going between us. But my happiness outweighs the unpleasantness. It does. Bloody hell, it really does. But this is a relationship between two people. I can’t just think about MY happiness. What about his? What if he’s no longer happy with me? Maybe that’s why he wanted this time off. But no. I know my boyfriend. He’s honest with me. He would’ve told me if he was unhappy. Oh, wait. He is unhappy. Because he thinks I don’t deserve the kind of time that he can offer me. He’s pressured, he says. But I don’t want to pressure him. I told him millions of times that I don’t mind. I don’t. I really, really, really, really don’t. Why can’t he just believe me and accept the fact that I’m willing to take that kind of sacrifice just to make this work? The sacrifice that we’re both making now is painful for the both of us. If we’re not “cooled off”, we’d both still be making sacrifices. Why can’t we just pick the latter? At least we’d both be better off. Forgive me if I find it hard to understand. I’ve just never gone through this before. It’s all new to me which is why I am at a loss.

To my friends: you guys have been great. Thank you for being there for me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Poignancy..

Why do I have to be such a cry baby? Really, I want to know. WHY?!! It irks me that I can't help but cry everytime I'm displeased about something. I cry when I'm about to come back to the Philippines after spending the summer in Europe; I cry when my parents fight; I cry when I'm homesick, stressed out, sad, and hurt. I hate crying. It gives me a headache and it makes my eyes go all red and puffy. No matter what my psychiatrist says about crying being a healthy outlet with which to express your frustrations, I still hate it.

So why did I cry tonight?

Because I was expecting us to spend time with each other. Of course, in our case, when I say spend time, I mean text nonstop or chat through Yahoo! Messenger. We chatted, alright. But it was just for an hour. He was at his friend's place. After an hour of our usual banter, he said he'd log out for a while so he could go back to his boarding house first then we could continue our little chat from the internet cafe near there. So I was expecting to spend some quality time with my boyfriend when he texted me to ask for my permission if he could go and watch a concert at UB with his friends. My cheeks warmed up when I read that text message. Why is it such a big deal, you may ask. Well it's just that he's been kinda busy for the past week that we haven't really had much chance to bond and stuff. I was hoping we could do some catching up this weekend but I had an ORIENT2 class the whole day and we can't do it tomorrow because he has to work on a plate. I am a VERY patient person and it takes A WHOLE LOT of slip-ups to infuriate me. That message was the last straw. It blew my lid off. I have been told countless times that I should not keep my emotions bottled up inside me. Se here they are, I am releasing them into the world wide web so that they may leave me in peace: I'm sad, angry, and hurt. Sad because I am all alone in this desolate dorm room: no roommates to joke around with because they all went home. My boyfriend used to keep me company during times like this. Of course, by "keeping company", I mean that he texts me until I fall asleep. That, at least, is a semblance of companionship. But tonight? Zip. Zilch. Nada. No text messages from anybody. Pathetic, I know. I'm such a loser. I feel so alone. I thought of calling up my friends to see if they're up for a spur of the moment Saturday night gimmick but then again I suppose they're busy as well. Everybody's busy these days. My parents hardly call me during weekdays because they're so wrapped up in their respective workplaces; my friends are so immersed in schoolwork that just the thought of distracting them makes me feel guilty; my boyfriend is in perpetual study mode; yaddah yaddah yaddah. I'm hurt because I feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with me as much as I want to with him. I don't know. Maybe I'm not that important to him after all. Ouch. Straight through the heart. That's excruciatingly painful. Uh-oh. I can feel my eyes welling up again. No. I won't cry. I WILL NOT CRY. I'm angry, too. I'm sorry but that's what I feel. I can't help it. It's just so...FRUSTRATING. I am at a loss once again. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Except cry.

But I won't anymore. I'm all cried out for tonight.

Here's what I'll do instead: get a good book, go to Starbucks, and drown my sorrows in a Venti Chocolate Cream Frapuccino.

Calories be damned.

Bleeding on the inside..

Random thoughts have been popping up in my head like they always do. The only difference is that, this time, each thought is tinged with fear. That's the problem with me: I think too much. It would be pure bliss just to be able to shut down my brain and stop contemplating about the littlest things that happen around me. It would be complete ecstasy just to be able to stop worrying about things that weren't meant to be worried about in the first place.

The past few days have been hurtful and confusing. It's been cold. I'm scared because I don't know why. I'm confused because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Things haven't been the same. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to make the fear go away. I've been crying because there's hurt at the pit of my stomach that's gone up all the way to my heart. I feel like there's poison inside me. How do I make it go away?

School feels like hell. My parents are putting so much pressure on me that I feel like I'm being choked. My friends are so busy with their lives that they could hardly be bothered to say hello. I will admit that I am spoiled but, forthe first time in my life, I feel like nothing's going my way. Sometimes I think things would be much easier if I just stopped breathing. But then I remember that God won't ever leave me. God never puts pressure on me. God alwayshas time for me. God never grows cold on me. God is always there. I think about these things and my tears stop flowing and I can breathe easily again. God is my source of strength during times like these. I think about all theblessings that I have and I start feeling better. I thank God for my family who, even though they're unconsciously torturing me, are always looking out for my welfare. I thank God that we can afford to send me to a kick-ass school.I thank God for my friends. And I thank God for my boyfriend who, eventhough he's been aloof for the past few days is trying his best to make things between us ok. I know he has his own problems right now and I understand that he needs time to think about certain things which is why I am willing to wait until things between us get back to normal. Whenever that will be. He's the only reason why I've been happy these past few weeks. Please don't take my reason away. I know that no relationship is perfect. Not everything is smoothly paved. You have to get through rough roads to be able to build a strong foundation.

I just wish things didn't have to hurt so much. I wish I could stop feeling even for just a moment so the turmoil raging inside of me would cease to exist.

A True Story..

Here's something that you don't see everyday:

Girl is standing inside her dorm room's utility room talking to her boyfriend on the phone when her roomate knocks on the door to tell her that the guard is looking for her. Girl is perplexed because she couldn't think of a reason why the guard would want to talk to her (except maybe to tell her that her father is on the phone or that her classmates are the gate or maybe to borrow her cellphone charger). So the girl walks down to the guard house (still talking to her boyfriend on the phone) and is surprised to find the guard giggling (yes giggling) and pointing to a package. Girl looks at the package and her eyes open wide because, written there in big bold letters is : From: JOHNRY CHUA (which happens to be her boyfriend's name), To: Girl's Full Name and Address. She starts "Oh-my-God-ing" on the phone and is speechless for quite some time. Her boyfriend feigns innocence and asks her what's going on. So she tells him. She starts jumuping up&down (the guard still giggling and teasing her about the package). She grabs the package and runs up to her room squealing (yes, that's the word) in delight. She takes a few moments to regain her composure and tears open the package. Inside she finds three stuffed toy dogs ( a large one, a medium sized one, and a small one). Keep in mind that her boyfriend is still on the phone with her. She hugs the dogs and jumps up and down once again. She looks inside the Blue Magic bag and finds a scroll inside. She hands the phone to her roommate because she needed some space to take in everything that was happening. She reads the letter. She cries. Her roommate hands the phone back to her because the call got disconnected. Her boyfriend calls again. She thanks him in between sobs. Her roommates read the letter and tell her that her hair is mahaba afterwards. She keeps crying. Her boyfriend keeps trying to pacify her. When she finally calms down, she thanks her boyfriend afterwards and teels him that she loves him. They talk mushy for a while and, when he finally puts down the phone, she reflects and is hit with the realization that she is indeed lucky to have him in her life.

Wait.

Why am I addressing myself in the 3rd person? Wala lang. I love you, Johnry. Thank you for that pleasant surprise. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how happy you made me. Well, actually you kind of do since I told you but still. You know what I mean.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I'll take good care of Johnry the 2nd, Kat Jr., and Moogle.

What's been happening...

So many things have happened since I last updated this that I could not possibly write everything down. But I'll try to.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2006:

I agreed to be Johnry's girlfriend. Those of you who know me well might be rolling your eyes at the fact that I have another boyfriend when it hasn't been that long since I broke up with the last one. Don't think I didn't contemplate on that before I got into this relationship because I did. I thought about it long and hard and, as you can see, I decided to take the plunge in the end. And you know what? I don't regret my decision. Johnry is a sweet, caring, funny, intelligent, thoughful, and loving person and I'm proud to call him my boyfriend.

SCHOOL:

It's been hell. I don't know if it's just me but I've been mentally and physicall exhausted for the past few days. INTROFI is killing me!!! It is a very intersting subject but the workload will push me to an early grave. Still trying to work hard for it, though, because I don't want to fail that subject. Apart from that, I am having no trouble with my other majors. INPRINT, INTRORE, and INBROAD could be boring at times but they're very informative. FILIPI3 is FILIPI3. It is a constant test of my Tagalog communication skills. GENDERS is undoubtedly my favorite subject for this term. I get culture shock every once in a while (who am I kidding? I get shocked almost every meeting) but the course is FUN, FUN, FUN. Mostly because I learn a lot of interesting info and we get to talk about topics that are normally considered as taboo (sex, homosexuality, blah,blah,blah). Don't get me wrong, I am not a green minded person, it's just that it's refreshing to be able to voice out your concerns/opinions about those kinds of topics without fearing judgment.

LOSING WEIGHT

They don't call it a DIE-et for nothing. I miss eating good, calorie-loaded foods like maltesers, oreos, animo sour cream flavored mojos (w/ the garlic mayo dip), gonuts donuts, adobo, longganisa, bacon, eggs, green chippy, binagoongan, kare-kare, pizza, burgers, french fries, hash brown, blahblahblah. I am stuck with wheatbread and bananas. Grrr.

What else?

My brain is, once again, cluttered with so many thoughts that they seem to be bouncing off each other so that I cannot comprehend what each is trying to communciate. I am, in other words, going bonkers (again, i know..hehe). I am frustrated with schoolwork but I am happy with my love life and everything else that I'm supposed to be happy about.