Ano sa Tagalog ang Optimistic?

Ang daming kong gustong sabihin. Pero wala akong maisulat. Lately, parang ang gulo ng buhay ko. Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na lahat ng gusto eh nakukuha. Oo, spoiled ako. Aminado naman ako eh. Ito siguro ang dahilan kung bakit madali akong madisappoint. Mataas kasi ang expectations ko sa maraming bagay. Sa school. Sa bahay. Sa pamilya. Pati nga yata sa sa lovelife. These past few months, parang bumaliktad ang mundo ko. Lahat na lang ng gusto ko, di ko nakukuha. Nakakapanibago. Pero wala naman akong magawa. Ngayon ko lang naranasan 'to, sa totoo lang. So medyo nahihirapan akong mag adjust. Pero unti-unti na kong nasasanay at natututo na hindi lahat ng gusto ko eh madaling kunin o maabot. Minsan, kailangan paghirapan ang mga bagay na gusto mo para pag nakuha mo na 'to, mas may sense of achievement ka. Kahit di ako sanay sa ganito, hindi naman ako yung tipo ng tao na madaling mag give up. Optimistic ako eh. Kahit nagkakanda leche leche na ang buhay ko, ngingiti at ngingiti lang ako dahil naniniwala ako na may pag-asa pa.

Craptastic

I really don't know what's gonna happen next. I am only twenty years old but I have long learned that life's twists and turns are not something that could easily be figured out. So I just sit and wait. It's boring and it's driving me crazy but what else is there to do anyway? Schoolwork can't really distract me now that things are about to come to a close. Nothing is substantial enough to claim my attention for longer than a few fleeting minutes. So I sit and I wait and I think. Sometimes I think too much. And the thinking drives me crazy. I want to just go with the flow. But things could never be that easy. I feel like time is passing so slowly yet at the same time I feel like I'm running out of time. So much has been happening. It's all so confusing. When we were kids, we relied on grown-ups to tell us what to do. When we started growing up and developing minds of our own, we started resenting them for it. But now, wouldn't it be nice if someone could just tell me, step by step what I'm supposed to be doing to get my life back on the right track? I am so lost. I hardly know what I'm doing these days. I feel like a completely different person. Sometimes I wish I could be fifteen years younger. I just wanna be a kid again. Everything used to be so easy. But now, 'easy' is a luxury. I seem to run into speed bump after speed bump of disappointments. I know I'm nothing special. I'm just your everyday, average girl with everyday, average dreams. I just want to be happy. But happiness is an elusive little thing. I can never seem to catch it. I try to stay optimistic but the world just keeps pushing me down. I'm getting tired of it, really. It's exhausting to pretend that everything's ok when on the inside, I feel like my soul is dying. 

Addicted

I have too much free time on my hands. I've made about three of these on CS2 ever since I learned how. So far, this one's my favorite. ^^

Three words: asa pa ko.

We were sitting on his bed.

We've done this a dozen times before but this time it was different.

Something has changed.

It was a good change.

The atmosphere was light.

It was like all the heartache and pain from the previous months were just a figment of our imagination.

He was happy.

I was happy.

We were happy together.

He had his arms around me and he was hugging me tight.

He's hugged me before but this was a different kind of hug.

It was better.

It was as if he never wanted to let me go.

I liked that.

And I was hugging him back.

I love the fact that he's so huggable.

We were just sitting on his bed, hugging.

The world could have imploded around us and we wouldn't have cared.

Nothing else mattered except him and me.

We were content with just being with and holding each other.

I looked up at him and I smiled.

He smiled back.

He tilted my chin up and pulled my lips towards his.

He has kissed me before but this kiss was different.

It's as if it was our first.

It was sweet and gentle and passionate at the same time.

I never wanted it to end.

Neither did he.

It was a kiss between two people who had a deep and meanigful connection.

It was a kiss between two people who loved each other.

Yes, I finally realized what made it all so different.

I used to be the only one who harbored these kinds of feelings toward him.

I used to be the only one who loved him.

And now, he loved me back.

I was happy because he was happy.

I took pride in being the one who healed his broken heart.

He was no longer depressed and angry and bitter.

He was content.

Because of me.

I couldn't believe my luck.

After all the waiting and the crying and the longing, I finally got my wish.

He was finally mine.

And I was his.

It was the best moment of my life...

And then I woke up.

Lecheng alarm clock yan!

Ano ba talaga?

It's the third day of February already. June is drawing nearer and nearer. In just four short months, I'll be a bachelor's degree holder. Four months! That's sixteen weeks. A hundred and twenty days, more or less. I should be deciding what I want to do after graduation right about now. I wrote this on my planner last Monday: 

"I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. ... I'm still not sure what I want to do after school. OPTION 1: Leave the country to go and study at the University of Vienna. OPTION 2: Stay here and earn my Masters degree at the University of the Philippines instead. OPTION 3: There is no option 3. Not yet anyways. At least not as good as the first two."

Both options are really good. For me, at least. But both come with their own consequences, of course. C'est la vie, as usual. 

I want to take up "deutschen Sprache als einer fremden/zweiten Sprache" (translation: German as a foreign/second language) for my Masters at the University of Vienna. If I do that, I'll be with my mom, dad, and brother. I'll be with my family. We'll be complete. I've been waiting for this for a decade now, more or less. I'll be home. I've never lived in Austria for more than two and a half months but when I'm there, I feel at peace. It's like I have no worries when I'm under my parents' roof. I feel that I am home, so to speak. I could live and study in a very interesting and beautiful place. But when I think about leaving the Philippines, which has been my home for twenty years now, it makes me feel sad. I've noticed that whenever I leave the country for more than two weeks, I get really homesick. What more if I leave it for good? 

When I think about leaving my relatives here, the aunts and uncles who have helped raise me, my cousins who have treated me like a sibling, my grandmother; my friends; and everybody else I love, it makes me feel even more awful. I've gotten so accustomed to living here that I can't imagine how I'm gonna start to live a new life. No more commuting in jeepneys. No more pollution. No more ipis. No more traffic. I won't have trouble adapting, I guess, but I will miss everything that has been a part of my daily routine here. Probably not the traffic and certainly not the ipis, but everything else. Austria is such a gloomy country compared to the Philippines. I'm gonna miss the noise and the friendliness and the hospitality. I'm gonna miss Jollibee! Walang Jolllibee sa Europe! So the alternative choice for me would be to take up MA in German at UP. 

But...

I've been so lonely here lately that I sometimes think that leaving might be a good idea after all.. To start over. To leave behind everything and every person and every memory that has hurt me here is tempting. To go so far away and start anew might actually make me feel better. Sometimes, I get bored with the monotony of my life here. Maybe it's time for some drastic changes. 

You can see how I'm having a hard time deciding. Every pro has a corresponding con and vice versa. I guess I could delay the decision-making for a little while longer but there's no denying the fact I have to decide on it eventually. The future's looming close and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Born to Love

I have a good life. I have a nice family. I have awesome friends. I go to a really good school. I'm doing well enough at that said school. Material-wise, I am very blessed as well. My mom and dad are very hard working people which is why I have an above-average allowance. I get whatever I want. Most of the time anyways. All I have to do is ask. Yes, I'm spoiled. But I am not a brat.

So why is it that, when I wake up every morning, I feel like there's this huge void in my life? It's as if I am neglecting something that I am supposed to be doing. I try and try to distract myself with other things likes chores or schoolwork or with my hobbies or by going out with friends but the void remains. It's like that antacid commercial: there's a big gaping hole in my gut and it's constantly demanding attention. 

I've spent countless times contemplating about this strange void and, after a while, I finally realized what it is. I know what I'm missing.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 months. I miss that. Knowing that you have someone who loves you the same way you love him is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't necessarily miss the person. I just miss the feeling. I know I shouldn't need a boyfriend to complete my life but I think I am one of the people who were born to love. And I was born to love seriously. I miss taking care of someone the way you're supposed to take care of a boyfriend. And I miss having someone take care of me that way. It just gives me a sense of security and comfort. Isn't it nice to know that, despite all of the shitty things that happen in your life, there will always be someone there who will make it all better? I want that. I want it again. Knowing that there's someone who loves you despite all your imperfections gives you confidence in yourself. Confident people give off this really happy aura. That's why we 'glow' when we're in a healthy relationship. 

Some guys have expressed interest. It's flattering, really. Thanks but no thanks, though. It wouldn't have worked out. I just knew it. Girls have an intution for this kind of thing. And I've experienced enough heartache to know that going against your intuition would come back and bite you on the ass. I know it's not easy to get turned down. I've experienced rejection, too. So I'm really sorry for having been the one to break your hearts. I didn't mean to. And besides, karma got to me. I fell in love with someone who will probably never see me as more than a friend. I fell fast. I fell hard. I guess I misinterpreted his actions. I though he might like me too but I was wrong. Intution could be wrong, too. But, dammit, I just like him so much. He's exactly the kind of guy I could see myself being with. Unfortunately, I'm not his kind of girl. I've never really asked what his kind of girl is. I'm too chicken to hear the answer. Besides, I think I know anyway. It would just hurt so much more to hear it. But I wish I could have been given the chance. I want to make him happy and to take care of him and all that stuff but I'm not allowed to. We have boundaries. I hate pining for someone. It's such a waste of time but it can't be helped, can it? 

Anyhoo, I really hope I get over him soon. I love him but I can't tell him or show him as much as I want to because it would just be too weird, I guess. So pinipigilan ko na lang sarili ko. And one day, I will wake up and hopefully feel better about all of this. 

Someday, I'll meet someone who will make the sadness and emptiness go away. Hopefully, permanently. 

Off the top of my head

I just feel like writing. I know I posted something before this just a few minutes ago but that was just a repost so it doesn't really count. I don't really have a specific topic in mind. These are just random ramblings. Bear with me here. 

So.. We've been packing like crazy for the past few days because we're about to move to Victoria Towers this coming Saturday. Since the condo is a fairly tiny place, it will barely fit all of us so we have to send most of our stuff back home to San Jose. Some of the stuff, we decided to give away because they're just useless clutter. This is when I affirmed the fact that I really do have separation issues. It pained me to give away clothes even when I wasn't using them anymore. Some of them had sentimental value so it was very hard to part with them. I gave away at least two boxes full of clothes. Just imagine how hard it was for me to sort through my things and decide which ones to keep. I mean, I like all of my stuff, that's why I own them, isn't it? The same thing happened with shoes. I gave away a box full of footwear. I am fond of each and every pair of those shoes but I had to give them away because they simply didn't have space anymore. I also gave away bags and various other items that we're strangely hard for me to part with. I easily get attached to things. That's why letting go is so hard for me. But there. We gotta learn, I suppose..

I simply refused to give up my books. Over my dead body are they gonna give away my books! Probably not even then because my cold corpse shall be clutching those books with all its might. They don't have space in the condo so I opted to send them home to San Jose. Which is still pretty painful for me because I am very very very fond of my books. I mean, how can I not be? They are my form of escape when the world starts to suck from time to time. 

I still have a few boxes of clothes left and I am trying to figure out how to sneak them into the condo without my tita noticing. *insert evil laugh here* In my defense, these are the clothes that I use all the time. Well, most of them anyways. Some of them I just really can't let go because my mom or other important people gave them to me. 

And then there are the little things which I am quite certain are classified as trash but I just don't have the heart to throw them away because they symbolize significant moments/memories for me. Like this teeny little shell that I got when I was in Italy. I was walking on the beach in Lignano when I decided to just pick up a random shell. I clearly remember that moment because it was the last time when I felt completely at peace. I didn't have love-related problems. School-related conflicts. I didn't have any problems, period. I was happy. I was content. That was the last time I remember feeling like that and the little shell is a reminder of it so I just can't throw it away. And then there's this pseudo-birthday banner that my Resi roomies made for me on my 18th birthday. It's just crayon on short bond paper but I can't throw it away because my former roomies were like my college family for the two years that we were together and the banner is a reminder of how lucky I am to have met really nice people like them. 

These are the kinds of things that I think about when I sort through my things which is why, like I said about a gazillion times already in this blog entry, it is not easy for me to throw things away. 

I have separation issues.