Sometimes, not having an umbrella has its benefits...

I hate it when it rains. Which is too bad for me because I live in a tropical country where it practically rains about half of the year and sometimes even during the dry season. I know a lot of people who don't mind the precipitation because it gets quite cold in an otherwise humid city and I must say that I see what they mean but this doesn't change the way I feel about rain. Here are some reasons why I loathe the rainy season:

1. I don't like it when my feet get wet in flood water.

2. I'm very paranoid about Leptospirosis.

3. I don't like bringing an umbrella.

4. You wouldn't think that Manila traffic could get any worse but during heavy rainfall, that's exactly what happens.

5. I don't like the general gloominess of the atmosphere when it rains, it's very conducive for depression.

But something happened last night that made me like rain a lot more than I usually do. I attended a friend's birthday party in Bulacan and when it was time to go home, it was raining cats and dogs. My friend, the birthday celebrant, had an umbrella but it wasn't big enough to cover both of us so we ended up getting soaked anyway. It was a pretty long walk from his house to the tricycle stop. I was grumbling the whole time because I was ankle deep in floodwater and my shirt was wet and I was getting cold because it was really windy, too. At the same time, I was really worried about him because I didn't want him to get sick or anything like that. The rain was turning torrential and no tricycle was in sight. Suffice it to say that I was in a sour mood. But one little moment made me feel better about the whole situation While we were waiting for a tricycle, he put his arm around me so that we could kip under the little umbrella. So there we were, in the middle of an empty street, huddled under a small umbrella while water poured as if from a waterfall all around us. Right then and there, my bad mood went away. I wished it would take hours for the tricycle to get there so we could stay like that for a long time. It was such a sweet gesture that I was taken off guard. My friend, who was usually brusque when it comes to me, was being really nice to me. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy but things like that weren't something that happened often so I think that memory will be lodged in my head for a while. It's not somehing that I'm likely to forget because of the rush of feelings that I experienced at that time. Just when I felt like I was about to give up on him, he goes and does something like that. It gave me hope. The rain turned out to be a blessing after all.

And that is why sometimes, not having a umbrella has its benefits.

photo from: http://Peach-melba.deviantart.com/art/Umbrella-20280249

Mahal ko talaga siya.

Mahal na mahal.

Sorry, wala na kong mapaglabasan ng sama ng loob.

Ang bigat bigat lang talaga ng pakiramdam ko.

Ang hirap pala talagang magmahal ng taong hindi ka gusto.

Feeling ko tuloy ang laki ng diperensya ko.

Ewan ko ba.

Napakaiyakin ko talaga.

Pag gising, iyak.

Bago matulog, iyak.

Hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong gawin.

Hindi ko siya kayang layuan kasi sa maikling panahon na nakilala ko siya, naging napakahalagang bahagi na niya ng buhay ko.

Hindi ko na alam kung san ako lulugar.

Ano sa Tagalog ang Optimistic?

Ang daming kong gustong sabihin. Pero wala akong maisulat. Lately, parang ang gulo ng buhay ko. Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na lahat ng gusto eh nakukuha. Oo, spoiled ako. Aminado naman ako eh. Ito siguro ang dahilan kung bakit madali akong madisappoint. Mataas kasi ang expectations ko sa maraming bagay. Sa school. Sa bahay. Sa pamilya. Pati nga yata sa sa lovelife. These past few months, parang bumaliktad ang mundo ko. Lahat na lang ng gusto ko, di ko nakukuha. Nakakapanibago. Pero wala naman akong magawa. Ngayon ko lang naranasan 'to, sa totoo lang. So medyo nahihirapan akong mag adjust. Pero unti-unti na kong nasasanay at natututo na hindi lahat ng gusto ko eh madaling kunin o maabot. Minsan, kailangan paghirapan ang mga bagay na gusto mo para pag nakuha mo na 'to, mas may sense of achievement ka. Kahit di ako sanay sa ganito, hindi naman ako yung tipo ng tao na madaling mag give up. Optimistic ako eh. Kahit nagkakanda leche leche na ang buhay ko, ngingiti at ngingiti lang ako dahil naniniwala ako na may pag-asa pa.

Craptastic

I really don't know what's gonna happen next. I am only twenty years old but I have long learned that life's twists and turns are not something that could easily be figured out. So I just sit and wait. It's boring and it's driving me crazy but what else is there to do anyway? Schoolwork can't really distract me now that things are about to come to a close. Nothing is substantial enough to claim my attention for longer than a few fleeting minutes. So I sit and I wait and I think. Sometimes I think too much. And the thinking drives me crazy. I want to just go with the flow. But things could never be that easy. I feel like time is passing so slowly yet at the same time I feel like I'm running out of time. So much has been happening. It's all so confusing. When we were kids, we relied on grown-ups to tell us what to do. When we started growing up and developing minds of our own, we started resenting them for it. But now, wouldn't it be nice if someone could just tell me, step by step what I'm supposed to be doing to get my life back on the right track? I am so lost. I hardly know what I'm doing these days. I feel like a completely different person. Sometimes I wish I could be fifteen years younger. I just wanna be a kid again. Everything used to be so easy. But now, 'easy' is a luxury. I seem to run into speed bump after speed bump of disappointments. I know I'm nothing special. I'm just your everyday, average girl with everyday, average dreams. I just want to be happy. But happiness is an elusive little thing. I can never seem to catch it. I try to stay optimistic but the world just keeps pushing me down. I'm getting tired of it, really. It's exhausting to pretend that everything's ok when on the inside, I feel like my soul is dying. 

Addicted

I have too much free time on my hands. I've made about three of these on CS2 ever since I learned how. So far, this one's my favorite. ^^

Three words: asa pa ko.

We were sitting on his bed.

We've done this a dozen times before but this time it was different.

Something has changed.

It was a good change.

The atmosphere was light.

It was like all the heartache and pain from the previous months were just a figment of our imagination.

He was happy.

I was happy.

We were happy together.

He had his arms around me and he was hugging me tight.

He's hugged me before but this was a different kind of hug.

It was better.

It was as if he never wanted to let me go.

I liked that.

And I was hugging him back.

I love the fact that he's so huggable.

We were just sitting on his bed, hugging.

The world could have imploded around us and we wouldn't have cared.

Nothing else mattered except him and me.

We were content with just being with and holding each other.

I looked up at him and I smiled.

He smiled back.

He tilted my chin up and pulled my lips towards his.

He has kissed me before but this kiss was different.

It's as if it was our first.

It was sweet and gentle and passionate at the same time.

I never wanted it to end.

Neither did he.

It was a kiss between two people who had a deep and meanigful connection.

It was a kiss between two people who loved each other.

Yes, I finally realized what made it all so different.

I used to be the only one who harbored these kinds of feelings toward him.

I used to be the only one who loved him.

And now, he loved me back.

I was happy because he was happy.

I took pride in being the one who healed his broken heart.

He was no longer depressed and angry and bitter.

He was content.

Because of me.

I couldn't believe my luck.

After all the waiting and the crying and the longing, I finally got my wish.

He was finally mine.

And I was his.

It was the best moment of my life...

And then I woke up.

Lecheng alarm clock yan!

Ano ba talaga?

It's the third day of February already. June is drawing nearer and nearer. In just four short months, I'll be a bachelor's degree holder. Four months! That's sixteen weeks. A hundred and twenty days, more or less. I should be deciding what I want to do after graduation right about now. I wrote this on my planner last Monday: 

"I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. ... I'm still not sure what I want to do after school. OPTION 1: Leave the country to go and study at the University of Vienna. OPTION 2: Stay here and earn my Masters degree at the University of the Philippines instead. OPTION 3: There is no option 3. Not yet anyways. At least not as good as the first two."

Both options are really good. For me, at least. But both come with their own consequences, of course. C'est la vie, as usual. 

I want to take up "deutschen Sprache als einer fremden/zweiten Sprache" (translation: German as a foreign/second language) for my Masters at the University of Vienna. If I do that, I'll be with my mom, dad, and brother. I'll be with my family. We'll be complete. I've been waiting for this for a decade now, more or less. I'll be home. I've never lived in Austria for more than two and a half months but when I'm there, I feel at peace. It's like I have no worries when I'm under my parents' roof. I feel that I am home, so to speak. I could live and study in a very interesting and beautiful place. But when I think about leaving the Philippines, which has been my home for twenty years now, it makes me feel sad. I've noticed that whenever I leave the country for more than two weeks, I get really homesick. What more if I leave it for good? 

When I think about leaving my relatives here, the aunts and uncles who have helped raise me, my cousins who have treated me like a sibling, my grandmother; my friends; and everybody else I love, it makes me feel even more awful. I've gotten so accustomed to living here that I can't imagine how I'm gonna start to live a new life. No more commuting in jeepneys. No more pollution. No more ipis. No more traffic. I won't have trouble adapting, I guess, but I will miss everything that has been a part of my daily routine here. Probably not the traffic and certainly not the ipis, but everything else. Austria is such a gloomy country compared to the Philippines. I'm gonna miss the noise and the friendliness and the hospitality. I'm gonna miss Jollibee! Walang Jolllibee sa Europe! So the alternative choice for me would be to take up MA in German at UP. 

But...

I've been so lonely here lately that I sometimes think that leaving might be a good idea after all.. To start over. To leave behind everything and every person and every memory that has hurt me here is tempting. To go so far away and start anew might actually make me feel better. Sometimes, I get bored with the monotony of my life here. Maybe it's time for some drastic changes. 

You can see how I'm having a hard time deciding. Every pro has a corresponding con and vice versa. I guess I could delay the decision-making for a little while longer but there's no denying the fact I have to decide on it eventually. The future's looming close and there's nothing I can do about it.