Saturday, January 31, 2009

Born to Love

I have a good life. I have a nice family. I have awesome friends. I go to a really good school. I'm doing well enough at that said school. Material-wise, I am very blessed as well. My mom and dad are very hard working people which is why I have an above-average allowance. I get whatever I want. Most of the time anyways. All I have to do is ask. Yes, I'm spoiled. But I am not a brat.

So why is it that, when I wake up every morning, I feel like there's this huge void in my life? It's as if I am neglecting something that I am supposed to be doing. I try and try to distract myself with other things likes chores or schoolwork or with my hobbies or by going out with friends but the void remains. It's like that antacid commercial: there's a big gaping hole in my gut and it's constantly demanding attention. 

I've spent countless times contemplating about this strange void and, after a while, I finally realized what it is. I know what I'm missing.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 months. I miss that. Knowing that you have someone who loves you the same way you love him is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't necessarily miss the person. I just miss the feeling. I know I shouldn't need a boyfriend to complete my life but I think I am one of the people who were born to love. And I was born to love seriously. I miss taking care of someone the way you're supposed to take care of a boyfriend. And I miss having someone take care of me that way. It just gives me a sense of security and comfort. Isn't it nice to know that, despite all of the shitty things that happen in your life, there will always be someone there who will make it all better? I want that. I want it again. Knowing that there's someone who loves you despite all your imperfections gives you confidence in yourself. Confident people give off this really happy aura. That's why we 'glow' when we're in a healthy relationship. 

Some guys have expressed interest. It's flattering, really. Thanks but no thanks, though. It wouldn't have worked out. I just knew it. Girls have an intution for this kind of thing. And I've experienced enough heartache to know that going against your intuition would come back and bite you on the ass. I know it's not easy to get turned down. I've experienced rejection, too. So I'm really sorry for having been the one to break your hearts. I didn't mean to. And besides, karma got to me. I fell in love with someone who will probably never see me as more than a friend. I fell fast. I fell hard. I guess I misinterpreted his actions. I though he might like me too but I was wrong. Intution could be wrong, too. But, dammit, I just like him so much. He's exactly the kind of guy I could see myself being with. Unfortunately, I'm not his kind of girl. I've never really asked what his kind of girl is. I'm too chicken to hear the answer. Besides, I think I know anyway. It would just hurt so much more to hear it. But I wish I could have been given the chance. I want to make him happy and to take care of him and all that stuff but I'm not allowed to. We have boundaries. I hate pining for someone. It's such a waste of time but it can't be helped, can it? 

Anyhoo, I really hope I get over him soon. I love him but I can't tell him or show him as much as I want to because it would just be too weird, I guess. So pinipigilan ko na lang sarili ko. And one day, I will wake up and hopefully feel better about all of this. 

Someday, I'll meet someone who will make the sadness and emptiness go away. Hopefully, permanently.