WHY??!!

I’ve been trying to keep myself preoccupied. But nothing can distract me from the pain. I’ve cried and cried and cried and cried hoping that it will somehow make me feel better but it hasn’t been working so far. I feel so empty. I know “it’s just a cool off”. But I dunno. I feel incomplete. Strange, I know. He texted me this morning. He didn’t seem well, either. Or at least that’s how his attitude struck me. Tell me, why are we pushing through with this if it’s making the both us miserable? It just doesn’t make sense to me. How can I make him see that we don’t need to cool off to make this work? I know he’s concerned about me. About how unhappy I am with the way things have been going between us. But my happiness outweighs the unpleasantness. It does. Bloody hell, it really does. But this is a relationship between two people. I can’t just think about MY happiness. What about his? What if he’s no longer happy with me? Maybe that’s why he wanted this time off. But no. I know my boyfriend. He’s honest with me. He would’ve told me if he was unhappy. Oh, wait. He is unhappy. Because he thinks I don’t deserve the kind of time that he can offer me. He’s pressured, he says. But I don’t want to pressure him. I told him millions of times that I don’t mind. I don’t. I really, really, really, really don’t. Why can’t he just believe me and accept the fact that I’m willing to take that kind of sacrifice just to make this work? The sacrifice that we’re both making now is painful for the both of us. If we’re not “cooled off”, we’d both still be making sacrifices. Why can’t we just pick the latter? At least we’d both be better off. Forgive me if I find it hard to understand. I’ve just never gone through this before. It’s all new to me which is why I am at a loss.

To my friends: you guys have been great. Thank you for being there for me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Poignancy..

Why do I have to be such a cry baby? Really, I want to know. WHY?!! It irks me that I can't help but cry everytime I'm displeased about something. I cry when I'm about to come back to the Philippines after spending the summer in Europe; I cry when my parents fight; I cry when I'm homesick, stressed out, sad, and hurt. I hate crying. It gives me a headache and it makes my eyes go all red and puffy. No matter what my psychiatrist says about crying being a healthy outlet with which to express your frustrations, I still hate it.

So why did I cry tonight?

Because I was expecting us to spend time with each other. Of course, in our case, when I say spend time, I mean text nonstop or chat through Yahoo! Messenger. We chatted, alright. But it was just for an hour. He was at his friend's place. After an hour of our usual banter, he said he'd log out for a while so he could go back to his boarding house first then we could continue our little chat from the internet cafe near there. So I was expecting to spend some quality time with my boyfriend when he texted me to ask for my permission if he could go and watch a concert at UB with his friends. My cheeks warmed up when I read that text message. Why is it such a big deal, you may ask. Well it's just that he's been kinda busy for the past week that we haven't really had much chance to bond and stuff. I was hoping we could do some catching up this weekend but I had an ORIENT2 class the whole day and we can't do it tomorrow because he has to work on a plate. I am a VERY patient person and it takes A WHOLE LOT of slip-ups to infuriate me. That message was the last straw. It blew my lid off. I have been told countless times that I should not keep my emotions bottled up inside me. Se here they are, I am releasing them into the world wide web so that they may leave me in peace: I'm sad, angry, and hurt. Sad because I am all alone in this desolate dorm room: no roommates to joke around with because they all went home. My boyfriend used to keep me company during times like this. Of course, by "keeping company", I mean that he texts me until I fall asleep. That, at least, is a semblance of companionship. But tonight? Zip. Zilch. Nada. No text messages from anybody. Pathetic, I know. I'm such a loser. I feel so alone. I thought of calling up my friends to see if they're up for a spur of the moment Saturday night gimmick but then again I suppose they're busy as well. Everybody's busy these days. My parents hardly call me during weekdays because they're so wrapped up in their respective workplaces; my friends are so immersed in schoolwork that just the thought of distracting them makes me feel guilty; my boyfriend is in perpetual study mode; yaddah yaddah yaddah. I'm hurt because I feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with me as much as I want to with him. I don't know. Maybe I'm not that important to him after all. Ouch. Straight through the heart. That's excruciatingly painful. Uh-oh. I can feel my eyes welling up again. No. I won't cry. I WILL NOT CRY. I'm angry, too. I'm sorry but that's what I feel. I can't help it. It's just so...FRUSTRATING. I am at a loss once again. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Except cry.

But I won't anymore. I'm all cried out for tonight.

Here's what I'll do instead: get a good book, go to Starbucks, and drown my sorrows in a Venti Chocolate Cream Frapuccino.

Calories be damned.

Bleeding on the inside..

Random thoughts have been popping up in my head like they always do. The only difference is that, this time, each thought is tinged with fear. That's the problem with me: I think too much. It would be pure bliss just to be able to shut down my brain and stop contemplating about the littlest things that happen around me. It would be complete ecstasy just to be able to stop worrying about things that weren't meant to be worried about in the first place.

The past few days have been hurtful and confusing. It's been cold. I'm scared because I don't know why. I'm confused because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Things haven't been the same. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to make the fear go away. I've been crying because there's hurt at the pit of my stomach that's gone up all the way to my heart. I feel like there's poison inside me. How do I make it go away?

School feels like hell. My parents are putting so much pressure on me that I feel like I'm being choked. My friends are so busy with their lives that they could hardly be bothered to say hello. I will admit that I am spoiled but, forthe first time in my life, I feel like nothing's going my way. Sometimes I think things would be much easier if I just stopped breathing. But then I remember that God won't ever leave me. God never puts pressure on me. God alwayshas time for me. God never grows cold on me. God is always there. I think about these things and my tears stop flowing and I can breathe easily again. God is my source of strength during times like these. I think about all theblessings that I have and I start feeling better. I thank God for my family who, even though they're unconsciously torturing me, are always looking out for my welfare. I thank God that we can afford to send me to a kick-ass school.I thank God for my friends. And I thank God for my boyfriend who, eventhough he's been aloof for the past few days is trying his best to make things between us ok. I know he has his own problems right now and I understand that he needs time to think about certain things which is why I am willing to wait until things between us get back to normal. Whenever that will be. He's the only reason why I've been happy these past few weeks. Please don't take my reason away. I know that no relationship is perfect. Not everything is smoothly paved. You have to get through rough roads to be able to build a strong foundation.

I just wish things didn't have to hurt so much. I wish I could stop feeling even for just a moment so the turmoil raging inside of me would cease to exist.