Friday, February 13, 2009


I have too much free time on my hands. I've made about three of these on CS2 ever since I learned how. So far, this one's my favorite. ^^

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Three words: asa pa ko.

We were sitting on his bed.
We've done this a dozen times before but this time it was different.
Something has changed.
It was a good change.
The atmosphere was light.
It was like all the heartache and pain from the previous months were just a figment of our imagination.
He was happy.
I was happy.
We were happy together.
He had his arms around me and he was hugging me tight.
He's hugged me before but this was a different kind of hug.
It was better.
It was as if he never wanted to let me go.
I liked that.
And I was hugging him back.
I love the fact that he's so huggable.
We were just sitting on his bed, hugging.
The world could have imploded around us and we wouldn't have cared.
Nothing else mattered except him and me.
We were content with just being with and holding each other.
I looked up at him and I smiled.
He smiled back.
He tilted my chin up and pulled my lips towards his.
He has kissed me before but this kiss was different.
It's as if it was our first.
It was sweet and gentle and passionate at the same time.
I never wanted it to end.
Neither did he.
It was a kiss between two people who had a deep and meanigful connection.
It was a kiss between two people who loved each other.
Yes, I finally realized what made it all so different.
I used to be the only one who harbored these kinds of feelings toward him.
I used to be the only one who loved him.
And now, he loved me back.
I was happy because he was happy.
I took pride in being the one who healed his broken heart.
He was no longer depressed and angry and bitter.
He was content.
Because of me.
I couldn't believe my luck.
After all the waiting and the crying and the longing, I finally got my wish.
He was finally mine.
And I was his.
It was the best moment of my life...

And then I woke up.

Lecheng alarm clock yan!

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Ano ba talaga?

It's the third day of February already. June is drawing nearer and nearer. In just four short months, I'll be a bachelor's degree holder. Four months! That's sixteen weeks. A hundred and twenty days, more or less. I should be deciding what I want to do after graduation right about now. I wrote this on my planner last Monday: 

"I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. ... I'm still not sure what I want to do after school. OPTION 1: Leave the country to go and study at the University of Vienna. OPTION 2: Stay here and earn my Masters degree at the University of the Philippines instead. OPTION 3: There is no option 3. Not yet anyways. At least not as good as the first two."

Both options are really good. For me, at least. But both come with their own consequences, of course. C'est la vie, as usual. 

I want to take up "deutschen Sprache als einer fremden/zweiten Sprache" (translation: German as a foreign/second language) for my Masters at the University of Vienna. If I do that, I'll be with my mom, dad, and brother. I'll be with my family. We'll be complete. I've been waiting for this for a decade now, more or less. I'll be home. I've never lived in Austria for more than two and a half months but when I'm there, I feel at peace. It's like I have no worries when I'm under my parents' roof. I feel that I am home, so to speak. I could live and study in a very interesting and beautiful place. But when I think about leaving the Philippines, which has been my home for twenty years now, it makes me feel sad. I've noticed that whenever I leave the country for more than two weeks, I get really homesick. What more if I leave it for good? 

When I think about leaving my relatives here, the aunts and uncles who have helped raise me, my cousins who have treated me like a sibling, my grandmother; my friends; and everybody else I love, it makes me feel even more awful. I've gotten so accustomed to living here that I can't imagine how I'm gonna start to live a new life. No more commuting in jeepneys. No more pollution. No more ipis. No more traffic. I won't have trouble adapting, I guess, but I will miss everything that has been a part of my daily routine here. Probably not the traffic and certainly not the ipis, but everything else. Austria is such a gloomy country compared to the Philippines. I'm gonna miss the noise and the friendliness and the hospitality. I'm gonna miss Jollibee! Walang Jolllibee sa Europe! So the alternative choice for me would be to take up MA in German at UP. 


I've been so lonely here lately that I sometimes think that leaving might be a good idea after all.. To start over. To leave behind everything and every person and every memory that has hurt me here is tempting. To go so far away and start anew might actually make me feel better. Sometimes, I get bored with the monotony of my life here. Maybe it's time for some drastic changes. 

You can see how I'm having a hard time deciding. Every pro has a corresponding con and vice versa. I guess I could delay the decision-making for a little while longer but there's no denying the fact I have to decide on it eventually. The future's looming close and there's nothing I can do about it.