Wednesday, June 11, 2008

of cows and bumblebees..

I miss him so much. It's so weird. He's all I ever think about. He runs through my mind from the moment I wake up, up until before my eyes close at the end of the day. It's so frustrating because I can't even cry about him anymore. It's not entirely reasonable to cry over something that ended about a year and a half ago.

I thought I was over him. I thought I had finally let go. I managed to delude myself into thinking that I don't feel anything for him anymore. I mean, I had a boyfriend after him, didn't I? I had a "bee". Please don't think that I am a horrible person because, in my defense, I really did love my "bee". I forgot all about "moo" when I was with "bee" because I thought that I had finally found someone who would replace "moo" and be able to make me feel that I was loved and cared for. I was happy with my "bee". He was sweet and caring and funny at first. But he began to change after a while (just like the rest of them). I started feeling neglected and unhappy. I tried my best to make it work between him and me but in the end, I realized that he wasn't happy with me anymore, he didn't care anymore. So I ended it.

I DID NOT end it because I still have feelings for "moo". That wasn't the reason. My feelings for my "bee" overshadowed what I felt for "moo" but I guess it was always just there, biding its time, just waiting for the moment when it can resurface again. And it has resurfaced. With a firggin' vengeance, I must add.

You'd think that I'd miss my "bee" because he's supposed to be my latest heartache (and I do think about him every now and then) but I don't miss him as much as I miss "moo". Not even close. No one compares to "moo". As cheesy and corny as this might sound, he's my "great love" and, to borrow his words, great loves will never be forgotten. No matter how much you try. He's made such a big impact in my life that it would be impossible to get rid of the traces no matter how much time passes. There's this thing that Edward said to Bella after they came home from Italy and I think it encapsulates what I feel for "moo". I don't remember the exact words but it's something like this:
..before you, my life was like a moonless night but there were stars, lots and lots of stars. When you came into my life, you were like a meteor. You brightness lit up my sky. My eyes have been blinded by the brightness. After you were gone, I can't even see the stars anymore.. or something to that effect.

"Moo" will always be my point of comparison. Not that I want to compare, I just do it subconsciously. He's my dream guy. He always has been and he always will be. His girlfriend is so lucky. She better take good care of him because if I come across a second chance between him and me, I'm not gonna let it pass this time.

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