Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I’ve been trying to keep myself preoccupied. But nothing can distract me from the pain. I’ve cried and cried and cried and cried hoping that it will somehow make me feel better but it hasn’t been working so far. I feel so empty. I know “it’s just a cool off”. But I dunno. I feel incomplete. Strange, I know. He texted me this morning. He didn’t seem well, either. Or at least that’s how his attitude struck me. Tell me, why are we pushing through with this if it’s making the both us miserable? It just doesn’t make sense to me. How can I make him see that we don’t need to cool off to make this work? I know he’s concerned about me. About how unhappy I am with the way things have been going between us. But my happiness outweighs the unpleasantness. It does. Bloody hell, it really does. But this is a relationship between two people. I can’t just think about MY happiness. What about his? What if he’s no longer happy with me? Maybe that’s why he wanted this time off. But no. I know my boyfriend. He’s honest with me. He would’ve told me if he was unhappy. Oh, wait. He is unhappy. Because he thinks I don’t deserve the kind of time that he can offer me. He’s pressured, he says. But I don’t want to pressure him. I told him millions of times that I don’t mind. I don’t. I really, really, really, really don’t. Why can’t he just believe me and accept the fact that I’m willing to take that kind of sacrifice just to make this work? The sacrifice that we’re both making now is painful for the both of us. If we’re not “cooled off”, we’d both still be making sacrifices. Why can’t we just pick the latter? At least we’d both be better off. Forgive me if I find it hard to understand. I’ve just never gone through this before. It’s all new to me which is why I am at a loss.

To my friends: you guys have been great. Thank you for being there for me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

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