Saturday, November 18, 2006


Why do I have to be such a cry baby? Really, I want to know. WHY?!! It irks me that I can't help but cry everytime I'm displeased about something. I cry when I'm about to come back to the Philippines after spending the summer in Europe; I cry when my parents fight; I cry when I'm homesick, stressed out, sad, and hurt. I hate crying. It gives me a headache and it makes my eyes go all red and puffy. No matter what my psychiatrist says about crying being a healthy outlet with which to express your frustrations, I still hate it.

So why did I cry tonight?

Because I was expecting us to spend time with each other. Of course, in our case, when I say spend time, I mean text nonstop or chat through Yahoo! Messenger. We chatted, alright. But it was just for an hour. He was at his friend's place. After an hour of our usual banter, he said he'd log out for a while so he could go back to his boarding house first then we could continue our little chat from the internet cafe near there. So I was expecting to spend some quality time with my boyfriend when he texted me to ask for my permission if he could go and watch a concert at UB with his friends. My cheeks warmed up when I read that text message. Why is it such a big deal, you may ask. Well it's just that he's been kinda busy for the past week that we haven't really had much chance to bond and stuff. I was hoping we could do some catching up this weekend but I had an ORIENT2 class the whole day and we can't do it tomorrow because he has to work on a plate. I am a VERY patient person and it takes A WHOLE LOT of slip-ups to infuriate me. That message was the last straw. It blew my lid off. I have been told countless times that I should not keep my emotions bottled up inside me. Se here they are, I am releasing them into the world wide web so that they may leave me in peace: I'm sad, angry, and hurt. Sad because I am all alone in this desolate dorm room: no roommates to joke around with because they all went home. My boyfriend used to keep me company during times like this. Of course, by "keeping company", I mean that he texts me until I fall asleep. That, at least, is a semblance of companionship. But tonight? Zip. Zilch. Nada. No text messages from anybody. Pathetic, I know. I'm such a loser. I feel so alone. I thought of calling up my friends to see if they're up for a spur of the moment Saturday night gimmick but then again I suppose they're busy as well. Everybody's busy these days. My parents hardly call me during weekdays because they're so wrapped up in their respective workplaces; my friends are so immersed in schoolwork that just the thought of distracting them makes me feel guilty; my boyfriend is in perpetual study mode; yaddah yaddah yaddah. I'm hurt because I feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with me as much as I want to with him. I don't know. Maybe I'm not that important to him after all. Ouch. Straight through the heart. That's excruciatingly painful. Uh-oh. I can feel my eyes welling up again. No. I won't cry. I WILL NOT CRY. I'm angry, too. I'm sorry but that's what I feel. I can't help it. It's just so...FRUSTRATING. I am at a loss once again. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Except cry.

But I won't anymore. I'm all cried out for tonight.

Here's what I'll do instead: get a good book, go to Starbucks, and drown my sorrows in a Venti Chocolate Cream Frapuccino.

Calories be damned.

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