Thursday, November 09, 2006

Bleeding on the inside..

Random thoughts have been popping up in my head like they always do. The only difference is that, this time, each thought is tinged with fear. That's the problem with me: I think too much. It would be pure bliss just to be able to shut down my brain and stop contemplating about the littlest things that happen around me. It would be complete ecstasy just to be able to stop worrying about things that weren't meant to be worried about in the first place.

The past few days have been hurtful and confusing. It's been cold. I'm scared because I don't know why. I'm confused because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Things haven't been the same. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to make the fear go away. I've been crying because there's hurt at the pit of my stomach that's gone up all the way to my heart. I feel like there's poison inside me. How do I make it go away?
School feels like hell. My parents are putting so much pressure on me that I feel like I'm being choked. My friends are so busy with their lives that they could hardly be bothered to say hello. I will admit that I am spoiled but, forthe first time in my life, I feel like nothing's going my way. Sometimes I think things would be much easier if I just stopped breathing. But then I remember that God won't ever leave me. God never puts pressure on me. God alwayshas time for me. God never grows cold on me. God is always there. I think about these things and my tears stop flowing and I can breathe easily again. God is my source of strength during times like these. I think about all theblessings that I have and I start feeling better. I thank God for my family who, even though they're unconsciously torturing me, are always looking out for my welfare. I thank God that we can afford to send me to a kick-ass school.I thank God for my friends. And I thank God for my boyfriend who, eventhough he's been aloof for the past few days is trying his best to make things between us ok. I know he has his own problems right now and I understand that he needs time to think about certain things which is why I am willing to wait until things between us get back to normal. Whenever that will be. He's the only reason why I've been happy these past few weeks. Please don't take my reason away. I know that no relationship is perfect. Not everything is smoothly paved. You have to get through rough roads to be able to build a strong foundation.

I just wish things didn't have to hurt so much. I wish I could stop feeling even for just a moment so the turmoil raging inside of me would cease to exist.