Epiphany...

Emo.

This is exactly what I don't want this blog to sound like but, what with the topic that I have in mind, I guess it's inevitable. Not that a lot of people keep track of the goings on in my life, but for those who do, this shouldn't be too hard to follow. It's a long story and I don't want to go into the whole thing anymore. Just the summary. Bits and pieces that have had a very big impact in my life..

The Incident.

I saw him last Saturday. As usual, just the mere sight of him made my heart skip a few beats. It's pathetic that, after all this time, he still has the same effect on me while I have no effect on him whatsoever anymore. The whole time I was with him, I kept thinking, "Crap, I still love him so much." Everytime our hands would accidentally touch, I would secretly wish that I still had the right to hold his hand. Everytime he and I got close to each other, I would want to reach out and hug him. It killed me that I couldn't. 

The Clues.

Seeing him last Saturday was one of the best moments of my 2008. But it was also one of the worst. It hurts when the person that you love doesn't belong to you anymore. It hurts like hell, I can't even begin to describe it. The worst part was, when he was asking me if he should break up with her. I tried to be as objective as I possibly could because all that matters to me is that he is happy. I don't really care if it kills me. When you really, truly love someone the way I love him, you just want what's best for that person. 

We said goodbye at the MRT Cubao station. Just like old times. The difference is, when I looked back after we said goodbye, I couldn't see him anymore. He just disappeared in the crowd. Maybe it was an omen.

The Epiphany.

He has broken up with her. And I could see how much it's hurting him.  I wonder if he felt the same when he and I broke up. Probably not. It saddens me to think of this but I can't help it. It's what I see. I can see how much he loves her. And it kills me. Again. And again. And again. 

I'm tired of dying. 

I want to let go. 

To finally let go.

After two gruesome years.

It's about time. 

The Conclusion.

Once upon a time, I loved a boy. He told me he loved me too. He told me there would come a time when we would have our second chance but I don't think this is ever gonna happen because he never really loved me as much as he loved her. Nafefeel ko, in the end, sila pa rin magkakabalikan. Masakit lang kasi, bakit nung sakin, wala naman ganung effort? I never took him for granted and I never hurt him as much as she did, pero bakit ganun? Kung sino pa yung nakakasakit sa 'yo, yun pa rin ang mahal mo? Ang weird talaga ng buhay. 

Sabi ko sa kanya dati, one day I would wake up and realize that I don't have feelings for him anymore. 

I think that day is getting nearer and nearer kasi ayoko na ng ganito. Nagpapakaloser lang ako dahil umaasa ako sa wala. Oo na, tanga na ko, kasi ngayon ko lang inamin sa sarili ko yun. Ngayon ko lang tinanggap. Everyone has their limit. I think I'm about to reach mine. 

I am giving up on you.

When I would look at him when I thought he wouldn't notice, I would see the boy that I fell in love with two years ago. When I look at him, I see the boy that changed my perspective on life. I would see the boy who used to make me feel special and loved and cared for. But I would also see the boy who broke my heart.