BREAKDOWN

"You look like crap.."

That was how one of my friends greeted me when I walked into class yesterday. It's not exactly something that one wants to hear often but that's what I like about friends: they're tactlessly honest. And they're very much concerned with you mental state/well-being so her next line was:

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

That's another thing about good friends. They can tell when something's bugging you. Although I said thanks but no thanks to her, I appreciate the gesture. Everyone's been on my back about this. Apparently, they're not used to me being unnaturally quiet and staring off into space whenever I get the chance. It's not like i'm doing it on purpose. I just have a lot on my mind right now. And they're things beyond the realm of my comprehension so I'm especially confused and frustrated. My preoccupation is centered around one person in particular and it doesn't take a genius to figure out who I'm talking about.

It's just that...I was (actually still am) under the impression that when you are important to someone, that person makes effort to make sure that you're ok, see how you're doing, and stuff like that. A person who truly loves you is sensitive to your feelings. When he knows that you are the kind of person who worries a lot, he makes constant reassurances that everything's alright, that he's safe whereveer he is, and so on. A person who loves you would not consciously hurt your feelings. A person who genuinely cares about you will find ways to communicate with you even under near impossible circumstances. It's what I'd do anyways. And I'm under the impression that that's the way things ought to be. I didn't get that wrong did I?

That's another thing...All these has led me to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Am I starting to bug him with my constant text messaging and calls? It's just that communication is one of the most vital components of a long distance relationship. We only get to see each other, like, once a month, shouldn't we compensate for our not being together by at least updating each other about the things that are happening to us or something like that? I know what I'm talking about, I swear. I'm not exactly a neophtye in long distance relationships, am I?

I'm just so frustrated. I mean, how would you feel if your boyfriend only texts you like once-thrice a day? Not good, that's for sure. How would you feel if your boyfriend didn't take your calls? Because, according to him, he doesn't have his phone with him. How do you even interpret the fact that he hasn't had his phone with him for, like, two days now? When he very well knows that you are going apeshit with worry. Apeshit doesn't even begin to cover what I'm feeling right now.

I'm worried and I'm scared. I feel like I'm not important to him anymore. I feel like crap. I feel like he's always finding excuses not to talk to me. I wish he'd tell me if he had some sort of problem or whatever. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm so effing tired of being patient. I'm so sick of having to check my phone every so often only to find out that, no, he can't spare me five minutes of his precious time. My stomach feels like it's hollow and I feel like there's something heavy pressing down on my chest. I can't breathe properly even I'm not having an asthma attack. I'm tired of crying when I don't even know what's there to cry about. I'm just not emotionally equipped to handle something like this.

Someone sent me a quote a long time ago, I don't even remember who but a part of it goes like this: "..one of the most painful things is having to doubt something that you thought you were so sure of.." or something to that effect. If he really loves me, then why is he taking me for granted? If he really cares about me then why is he treating me like this?

I'm so effing lost.

Musings..

December 1, 2007: Bugoy asked me to be his girlfriend. You all know I said yes. Fast forward to three months later and here we are, still together. And still very much in love. I know I am. And I can say with a fair amount of confidence that he is, too. We all know this hackneyed expression, say it with me, "time flies...". It really does, doesn't it? A year ago I was a miserable wreck who wished for nothing but to have my life taken away from me because I was experiencing an unbearabel kind of pain. But here I am now, perfectly content and happy and looking forward to waking up every day not knowing what to expect but very much ok with it because I have Bugoy. Of course, our relationship is not perfect. Far from it, actually but that's normal. We have our ups and downs like your everyday average couple. But the way I feel about him is far from average. Sometimes, I worry that I'm showing too much emotion and I'm scared that it might freak him out but he's been very patient with me so far. I've had to do a lot of thinking lately and I've come to the realization that he's the one I want. No one else but him. There's no doubt about that now. Despite the fact that I've shed quite a lot of tears (not a big deal I guess 'cause I'm such an effing cry baby), I'm happy. I'm genuinely happy and it feels good. I owe a lot of it to Bugoy. He makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel loved and wanted. He makes me laugh. He brings out the mature person in me. He makes me want to be a better person. I just hope he's as happy as I am.

Listen to me (or read me, whatever), I'm being keso. Haha. Sorry, it's just nice to be able to talk about what I'm feeling. It makes me feel less burdened by my thoughts, I guess..

Anways, here's wishing my baby Bugoy an advance happy 3rd monthsary and may we have many, many, many, many, many more monthsaries to come...

I love you, bee.. ;)

Cheeseburger in a Can...

I kid you not..

Here's the link for the site if you wanna find out more: http://gizmodo.com/350091/cheeseburger-in-a-can-is-both-the-best-and-worst-thing-ive-ever-seen/?noc=true
The author of the site is right, the idea of a canned cheeseburger is both appaling ang amazing. It's more of the former for me because I stay at a dorm where cooking is not allowed so my roommates and I are subsisting on canned food. The thought of a cheeseburger in a can gives me goosebumps.

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I miss Bugoy so much. He's been sick for the past few days so we haven't been texting much. Can't really blame him. I wouldn't be able to text if i were in that condition as well. It's times like this, more than ever, that I wish Batangas wasn't so far away so I could go visit him. You have no idea how frustrating it is.

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Midterms na.

Aaaaargh.

Cheesecake PART II

This song used to make me cringe. But now that I can relate, I really really like it. I know it's cheesy and all that but i think it's kinda sweet:

di ko maintindihan ang nilalaman ng puso

tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay

pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama

hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka

sa lahat ng aking gingawa

ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

sana'y di na tayo magkahiwalay

kahit kailan pa man

ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal

ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam

makapiling ka habang buhay

ikaw lamang sinta

wala na akong hihingin pa

wala na

ayoko nang maulit paang nakaraang ayaw nang maalala

bawat oras na wala ka parang mabigat na parusa

at huwag mong kakalimutan na kahit nag iba di ako tumigil magmahal sa'yo sinta

sa lahat ng aking gingawa ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

sana'y di na tayo magkahiwalay kahit kailan pa man

ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal

ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam

makapiling ka habang buhay

ikaw lamang sinta

wala na akong hihingin pa

wala na......

Wheee. Nababaduyan ka noh? Like I said, I don't care. Haha. It's a free country, dude, I can post whatever I want. It's my blog after all. Haha.

Ehem...

I love you Bugoy. ^^,

Wheeeee ^^,

I'm leaving for Hong Kong at 7:25 pm today with my Tita Digs and my cousins Borgy and James. I can barely contain my excitement. The only other Asian country that I've been to is Bangkok and I only got to see the airport so I'm not sure if that really counts.

I'm especially excited about going to Disneyland. I've always dreamt of visiting that place since I was a kid and now that that wish is about to be fulfilled, I'm ecstatic. I'm the kind of person who is scared witless by the thought of ghosts, snakes, and flying ipis. I guess you can call me duwag (like my boyfriend has done A LOT) but when it comes to adrenaline rush-inducing carnival rides, I'm game. Sure, you can't get me to watch "Patayin sa Sindak si Barbara" all by myself (or at all, for that matter) but you can make me ride the Space Shuttle in Enchanted Kingdom in a heartbeat (over and over and over and over again).

I'm also really psyched about going to ocean park because they have a theme park there, too. There's this one ride that I'm really itching to try: The Abyss turbo drop. According to the ocean park website, it raises you up and it drops you straight down in free fall. It's total height is 185 feet (about 20 floors). It's my kind of ride. And, of course, they have rollercoasters which, as you probably can tell, I absolutely love.

This promises to be an awesome trip. Looks like I'll have plenty of kwento when I get back. 'Til then. Ciao for now.

The 1st

My year 2007 was off to a crappy start. If you know me well, you'll know why. I spent most of the year moping, griping, grumbling, blahblahblah. In other words, I almost ruined the whole year by being every single version of surly that I can think of. Good thing my 2007 wasn't completely wasted 'cause during the latter part of the year, I did some growing up and managed to let go of most of my grudges and learned to accept that some things are just beyond the scope of my control.

And then of course Bugoy came and brightened up my life again. He made everything better. He made me smile (not the pained, seemingly constipated, “pilit” kind of smile that I had gotten so accustomed to but the genuine “i -can't-stop-smilng-cause-i'm-so-effing-happy smile). I fell in love just when I thought I'd never feel that way again. Mushy, I know, but whatever. I'm so thankful that he came into my life because in him, I found not only a good boyfriend, but also a best friend: he's my confidante, my one-man cheering squad when I need encouragement, my clown, my shoulder to cry on ('cause I'm such a big crybaby), my caffeine (he keeps me awake when I have a lot of studying to do), my favorite pillow (I love the fact that he's so huggable), my kakulitan whenever I feel extra hyper...He means so much to me. He makes me feel loved, wanted, and accepted for who I am so I feel comfortable with him 'cause I can just be me. He is one of if not the best gift that God gave me in 2007 and I hope I get to keep him forever.

Thanks for everything, bee. I love you.

Happy new year and happy 1st monthsary.

My Bee and his Family

I met Bugoy’s family today. At first I was really anxious because this is the first time that a boyfriend has introduced me to his whole family so I was really scared that they might not like me or something like that but all my worries were in vain because Bugoy’s family is really, really nice. They are all very bubbly and friendly and not at all “nakaka-O.P” like I feared they would be. His eldest ate even bought me a Spongebob stuffed toy! How nice is that? Very.

We had lunch at the Grilla in Promenade and his family asked me some questions about myself and about me and Bugoy and we talked about some other stuff as well. I really had a lot of fun.

The best part of today was, of course, getting to see Bugoy. The thing with long distance relationships is that you don’t get to see each other as often as you’d like to so you have to make the most out of every moment that you’re together. He and I didn’t chatter much because we do that all the time over the phone and the internet but that’s ok, I was really contented with hugging him and holding his hand, you know, the kinds of things that we don’t usually get to do. I miss him already. I started missing him as soon as they dropped me off here at the dorm. I’m so looking forward to the day when he and I don’t have to be too far apart from each other.

He gave me a ring today. It’s never gonna leave my finger.

I’m so happy. I mean really, really, really happy. Thank you, Bugoy, for being the reason.

I love you so much, bee!